Cancer.

I am so overwhelmed tonight. There are so many youngsters who get this awful disease and eventually, it seems, it's just something that doesn't go away. My friend Tabitha's son is a year out of high school. The docs don't give him long. The little girl, Talia, passed away today. I know that, no matter what happens in any of our lives, God is on the Throne and He reigns. I know that. But I can't help but crave an answer. Why can't they live? Why can't they grow old and enjoy their life and develop their talents? And all of a sudden, I'm reminded that even though we go through some pretty tragic happenings, the only way to survive is to rest on His shoulders. I grieve for precious Tabitha. My soul aches for her and for her family. My prayer is that God invades their thoughts and their souls and their hearts, and absolutely wraps them in His love. That's what it is to be held. And I know that I would be nowhere without Him. And His very unconditional love. I also know that He weeps. He weeps for us. He knows every pain, every suffering we have. He weeps. ,

THIS is what unconditional support looks like...

Sometimes the saying "when it rains, it pours" seems all too real. As I wrote in a previous post a few weeks ago, my health problems are becoming a little too overwhelming when I feel alone. I thank God that I have Jake to walk along this road right beside me. I'm so thankful that he puts things into perspective for me. When I am told I can't do something, I try and find every way possible to do it....just to prove the doctors wrong. 

Yesterday, I got a little bit of some pretty scary, life-changing news. I've been having quite a few of 'female' problems. Normally, I wouldn't get things like that checked out, but when my pain effects those around me, it's time to get a handle on things. Even then, I was hoping that it would be a quick, easy, and painless. So I went to my doctor and the report isn't exactly what I wanted to hear. 

Initial diagnosis is endometriosis. I don't know much about what that is. I do know that many women have that. My doctor told me that I would pretty much have two options: pregnancy or hysterectomy. I'm gonna say that neither of those are good for me. AT ALL. Doc told me that hormone therapy would be useful, but I'm not able to do that with me having this kidney disease. He also told me that we could do a surgery to 'clean everything' inside my abdomen, and that would give me about 6-8 months pain-free. 

I've got an ultrasound next week to see if there are any other sources of my pain, like cysts or the like. Which, honestly, I'm praying that there is something else in there that is an easier fix. One quick surgery and we're done! 

Talking to Jake last night, he put things into perspective for me. What I have, what we have together is nothing but God-given. I thank Him every day for giving me a love that I never thought I'd feel. I thank Him that He's given me every breath, every memory, every moment. I thank Him for Jake. I know he's my partner for life. 

He told me that he's thankful for everything we have, for everything God has blessed us with. Anything extra is nothing but His grace. He told me that he's not leaving. He would rather have me healthy for as many years as God blesses me with. I can't even put into words how much the support of Jake means to me. I don't know how he can give up so much, for just me. 

Somehow, it puts everything into perspective for me. I was told that it's almost too late for me to have a baby...and we're not married yet. So that step would be a few years later anyway. 

In the meantime, I'm asking for some prayer. Pray that my doctor guides us in the right direction. Pray that I am able to recognize the right choice, not just what I want. And pray that we are able to emotionally accept all of it. 

A Loss is A Loss

It's been a sad couple of weeks filled with so many tears and questions. Jake's 10 year old Lab, Sissy, died Wednesday night, March 6. We took her to the vet. She had trouble bleeding. She couldn't use the bathroom. The vet wanted to keep her there overnight to give her fluids and potassium to replenish her hydration. Jake went by as he was on his way home from work Thursday morning to be greeted by the vet's wife, who is also a vet, with the news that Sissy didn't make it.

I've never hurt like that from losing a pet. She was Jake's baby. I've only known her since last May. But she completely captured my heart. Things Jake and his family said over the next couple of days brought on a new kind of heartache.

"If I'd only have known that would be her last day..."
"I really wish I could play frisbee with her one more time..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"I just left her..."
"If I would have known, I would have brought her home and held her..."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer......"

She was only a pet. She was a dog. A good dog....but still just a dog. It almost felt silly that night when I looked over in the garage and said, "Night, night, Sissy."...only to realize that she wasn't there. Couldn't hear me. So... I cried. I cried hard. I cried long. More tears came than have in a very long time.

I realized that night that, no matter how you look at it, a loss is a loss. Some people aren't close to their grandmother, some don't know their dad. When they're gone from this earth, it doesn't impact those on a personal, daily basis. They don't miss them. You don't miss what you never had...or only had for a short time.

It's been 14 years (half of my life!!) since my parents have been gone. And last week, when I witnessed Jake and his family mourn the loss of their sweet, loving Sissy...my memories, my heart drifted back to that ICU waiting room where my family and I prayed for each other, prayed for my mom, comforted each other, and looked for answers. Those two weeks, from March 11, 1999 to March 25, were a turning point in the direction on my life. I cried. I wrote. I sought guidance.

It's really hard to look back now because I was at such a crossroads. I was 14, trying to actually find 'who I am' like every teenager that age. I just lost my dad. February 23, 1999, he had a heart attack. I'm pretty sure I had essentially 'numbed' myself at that point from any sort of emotional pain. I guess you can only take so much. My sadness has come at different stages since then. I guess that's my way of dealing with that tragedy of my life.

So when my sweet Sissy died so suddenly, seeing and experiencing the grieving, it brought me to 14 years ago. I'm a very independent girl. I don't like needing people. I'll never ask for help. And it takes a canon to knock down my walls. But I miss my mom. I never got to have her as a best friend. I never got to ask her for boy advice. I'll never get to pick out my wedding dress with her.
I'm very blessed, don't get me wrong.

But for now, I just really miss my mom.

"If only I had one more day..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"If only I would have known...."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."

"I only hope she didn't suffer..."

This is my struggle...PKD

The Struggle

I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. My own family. Me, Jake, and Little One.

Don't get me wrong....it's still a while before we really start thinking about that....like, I don't know....after we get married! Ha! Which isn't next month or anything. :)

For some reason, the want/passion/desire to make a family intensely increased over the past couple of weeks. And I'm just not able to shake it.

With all of that comes some pretty realistic understandings. I have Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). I got it from my mom. (Thanks, mom.) She passed away almost 14 years ago by an aneurysm that burst, which consequently is something that sometimes goes along with this disease. Something else I have to keep a watch on is my blood pressure, which actually has been just steadily rising over the past year or so. I definitely keep regular visits with my kidney doctors.

Pregnancy does some pretty weird things to a gal's body, so I hear. Hormones make every thing change! (Some times for the better!) It could also be detrimental though. Blood pressure changes. My blood pressure is already high...my doctor is wanting to put me on some sort of medicine for that, which could also be harmful for a pregnancy and a baby. For someone with kidney problems, your kidney function could go down, putting you closer to kidney failure. Kidney infections and bladder infections could occur more often. My problem is that my kidneys are HUGE. And I have cysts growing all over them. On my left kidney, there are hundreds of small cysts. On my right one, I have a smaller number of exponentially larger cysts, of which I already had to have a few surgically removed due to the intense pressure they were putting on my liver. The cysts are always growing. It already effects everything, every organ in my body without having a baby in there growing steadily for 9 months.

So what do I do?

My OB/Gyn says that I should absolutely go for it. And he will keep an eye on everything and put me in with a high-risk doctor. My kidney doctor says that if I do want to have a baby, the time is now, before things get worse...and they will get worse...he just doesn't know when.

This disease is very strange. There's no cure...not even a treatment as of right now (other than narcotics for pain) even though there has been research to support the slowing of kidney/cyst growth and volume. But the pain, physical and emotional, is what gets me down.

I've always been the type of girl who takes unfavorable circumstances and turns them into some way to glorify God. Why is this one different? Why can't I just be content with everything God has blessed me with? Why can't I have what I want?

I have always said that I wasn't gonna let some dumb health problem run my life. Wasn't gonna let that be the deciding factor in my dreams, my hopes. Wasn't gonna let a doctor give me a time line of events. I'm gonna do what I wanna do with my future when I get there.....

Now here I am. Jake says that it's 20000% ok with him if I can't give him a baby. So that's not the issue. He loves me. He's here. He's not going anywhere. I'm perfectly content with growing old with him too....just us and our dogs! In his words, "God gave us the gift of each other....Anything else is just pure, undeserved grace...We're lucky to have one another...All I know to do is let Him handle it."

And so...after a morning (I'm sure there will be many more) of tears and prayer, I've decided that I can't control what's going on inside me. No reason to blame anyone. Maybe God wants us to use this to be able to adopt some sweet baby who couldn't be loved by anyone other than Jake and me. Maybe He's got plans for us to minister to a million kids...and not just one. Who knows. :)

You always want what you can't have, right? It almost feels like we'll be missing out on something wonderful that people can't even explain....But I know that God has something for us beyond our wildest dreams...far better than anything we could imagine....

So that's the hope I'm clinging to today.
God's the hope I'm resting in always.



xoxo
maranda

While I waited...God's timing is supreme.

For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it testifies about the end and will not lie. Though it delays, wait for it, since it will certainly come and not be late.   --Habakkuk 2:3

I'm not really sure how to actually start this posting.... I am just so completely overwhelmed these days! Overwhelmed isn't really the right word; I don't actually know how to use words when it comes to how I feel. :)

Almost 2 years ago, I met my best friend. Our churches were gearing up and getting ready for the summer camp we were doing together. (Only at the time, I didn't know how special this guy was.) That year, camp was awesome. Connections were made. Fun was had. It rained the entire week, so a few of us leaders went into the 'cafeteria' building and hung out. Jake played his guitar and we all sang songs. I taught them how to play spoons. He made fun of me when we had our volleyball tournament. Instant connection. Explosive chemistry. A few weeks later, I left my previous church...he invited me to come to his church just to hang out. He was cute so I went a few times. I found my new home.

Jake worked with the youth, and of course, I did too. My heart has always been for those kids. It was pretty amazing. The two of us got paired up to work with the high school boys. I remember thinking that I hit the jackpot! I am in a partnership with an amazingly hot fella who loves Jesus more than anything in the world. He knows more about the bible than I do. He puts things into perspective better than anyone I've ever seen. My spirit was drawn to him in a way that I've never felt before. I got super close to him...and it was just what I needed in my life. I needed proof that there were still guys out there who aren't 'typical', if you know what I mean. He was never a 'player' and he treated all girls with the utmost respect. I'd never seen that until then. And my mind was blown.

The next summer, Jake was in charge of camp. I don't know if I could have been prouder. And I got to be right there through all of it. It was stressful to say the least. He had one large amount of opposition. Grown ups were fighting. Kids were rebelling. It was hard. But I think that it helped knowing that I'm right beside him. Through every part. It was one of those...trials. Things weren't easy. But still I found myself taking care of his heart...when it wasn't even mine to take care of. 

I found myself wishing that maybe God would just push us together in some sort of romantic way. We would spend the majority of our time together outside of work and stuff. Before and after church. He would sometimes come to Rock Bridge with me, even though we both went to New Town. Things and people just kept getting in the way. Girls. Guys. Life. We both ended up not talking to each other for different, petty, retarded reasons. Pride. And hurt feelings. 

Little did we both know that God was doing something absolutely miraculous in both of our lives!!! I had a boyfriend at the time, which didn't end up lasting long. He also had a girlfriend. When I ended things with Derek, I steadied myself and promised God that I was in this for the long haul and He assured me that I was on His path.  We talked about life often. Taught together. Laughed together. Things got hard for me when my aunt Dora got so sick. I wasn't able to be at church as much. Neither of us were being treated well, more him than me, but it was hard even to just go to church. Let alone, be happy while we were there. In January, God shoved me into a new role at my amazing church. And I left Jake.

While we weren't close anymore, I studied and studied about marriage. I had never had the desire to be married, until I really realized what God's plan was for husband and wife. Mark Driscoll's "Real Marriage" and Andy Stanley's "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" started it all. I completely surrendered myself to God...I needed Him to form me, mold me into what He wants from me as a wife. He took people out of my life. He gave me focus. He revealed hard sin that I brushed under the rug. He broke me. And He made me new. I'm not even close to the same girl I was even a year ago. 

Things fell together, and quickly. At church, Matt just finished up "WedLocked". I remember after the first message, I left pretty ticked off. "However you see marriage is how you'll do it." He talked about how 'you + me' marriages don't work...and how marriage is different with Christ in it. He talked about complete sacrifice. Women submit sacrificially, men love sacrificially. I left church that night knowing that I would never get married. I've never known a man in my life to do that. There's no way that's ever gonna happen. And since I took my purity vow on Dec 28 2010, I knew that I would never have another relationship without God in it. So I thought about joining the convent and just becoming Mother Theresa. :) 

Little did I know what the next week held! Jake came and sat right beside me. Matt spoke about you never really meet the 'right' person. You never find the 'one' but you become 'one'. That night I knew something had changed. Jake had started coming to our small group. His intentions were clearly to be close. After that Thursday night, we admitted to each other what was inevitable. The way he felt about me, the things I love about him. There's no way I'm ever letting him go. And that was a few weeks ago. I have never trusted, loved, cared for anyone the way that I do for Jake. The more we discover...the more we confess...the more we laugh...the more time we spend together..... I've never felt God work this way in my life. Not since I got saved. And that's a big deal. 

It feels good to do things right. God prepared me in this season of 'WAIT' for the rest of our lives. Waiting is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was lonely. Discouraged. Mad. I went through some extremely hard times. Battles. But we're refined by the fire! 

I know that the future Jake and I will share together won't be easy all the time. I'm ready. I'm ready to be his wife. I'm ready to start a new life with him. 

I sure am glad I let God do what He wanted for me this whole time. I'm positive that I would have messed things up if either of us pursued the other before the 'time' was right. I mess things up when I play god and make my own plans for my life because that's what I wanted at the time. 

For I know the plans I have for you...plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  --Jeremiah 29:11

Dirty, Consuming Sin

Bondage. Captive. Consuming. Attitude. 

Derailed. Empty. Disappointment. Stalled. 

Poison. Broken. Separation. Distracted. Crushed. 

Spoiled. Wasted. Wrecked. Wounded.

 Ruined. Doubt. Pain. Regret. Chaos. 

Death. 

Sin isn't pretty. Never has been. I get caught up in the 'pleasure' or 'fun' of it...without thinking about what sin actually is...and what it does...and what it means.

Last night, I got a big dose of reality. Identity Theft Pt3: Sin. Matt brought up a lot of things that I've never thought about. We try to 'control & manage' our sin.  Thinking that way seems to be a never-ending cycle. I think, Surely with God I can 'handle' this...my own temptations aren't that bad. With that mentality, it's up to us as fleshly, sinful humans to put our own sin to death and not ever be tempted to revisit that again. Not happenin'. 

Matt gave 3 points:

1. Sin is pleasurable and desirable so we make it excusable.

guilty. i think this is probably true for everyone, but it's especially true for me. my thought process seems to be messed up more than i care to admit. everyone else does it. what's the harm? there is quite a steep price....

2. Sin is enslaving and defeating so we make it identifying.

well i did it...might as well keep going. it's like a lie that keeps spinning out of control until you're unsure of how truthful any of it ever was. that's who we become. our sin. talk about a punch in the face. 

3. Sin is more about who we are than how we behave.

when matt said this, my heart stopped beating i think. he said that we change the definition of 'sin' to 'MISTAKE'. sure we make mistakes. sure we're gonna slip up. but there still isn't justification in committing a sin. No matter how big or small. Just isn't right.

"Sin steals our identity of who God created us to be."
 Did you get that? God created us to be someone without sin. Instead, we're full of it. Full of hate. Full of lust. Full of envy. Full of self-righteousness. Full of sin. 
But we have a promise in Romans 6: WE MAY HAVE BEEN BORN INTO SIN IN THIS HIDEOUSLY BROKEN WORLD WITH INSANELY BROKEN PEOPLE... BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY!!!


Don't use God's grace to justify yourself to keep sinning, use His grace as power to STOP sinning!
Grace is costly, has violent power, and is completely transforming...It will never lead me to continue doing the very thing it rescued me from. What amazing grace!!!!!! 


I have to stop trying to 'control & manage' my sin....I have to 'KILL & CONQUER' it! And Jesus does that through His grace! 
My sin put Jesus on the cross. That little lie I told...stealing...my bad attitude... Jesus DIED for that. He is the Assassin of Sin! The Conqueror! He gave us the 'vaccine'. 


So I was left with one question: How am I going to allow Jesus to take control and kill & conquer the sin in my life? I can't hold on to it anymore. When Matt put it into perspective that I killed Jesus.... 
Wow... 


So in response to the words on top...I don't want to feel that. Any of it. I don't want my friends to feel it. I'm praying hard for those chains to break! It's already been done! It's already Paid In Full! Accept it! I'm praying for my friends to be released of the bondage that sin holds. I'm praying that their relationship with Christ grows and grows and grows. I want them to be completely filled with the power God gave us to overcome the persuasions and pleasures and acceptance sin offers. I don't want any of that. Label me an outcast....I Love Jesus. And it hurts me so much to know that I've hurt Him. 

He Weeps

I was doing my devotion today that we got last week at Link. (I know, I should have done it last week, but I was entirely too lazy.) Anyhow...this girl, Sarah Anderson, sure did write something that relates so strongly to me right now. She talks about how, in the Gospels, Jesus encountered incredibly broken people and He healed them--crippled men, blind girls, deaf boys, and bleeding women. Then she makes a good point: What happened to those people after they we healed? We see how they were healed powerfully; what once seemed like a permanent brokenness was reversed; their story takes a turn and things look up. But what happens 20 years down the road?? When they die? Sarah says that, for her, it's like she's living the second half of these people's lives. Not many miracles, terminal cancer is thriving. The second part of their stories shows a lot of things still need restoring-or need restoring again after having been fixed once but not staying that way for good. Kinda like when we were saved. We once felt like our lives had changed forever-but after a while the broken pieces still feel so broken. Jesus showed up at one point- but in the second half of the story, it is hard to imagine He was ever there at all. Sarah goes into the Lazarus story. Jesus goes to the tomb where Lazarus had been dead for 4 days. So He goes to the sisters, Mary and Martha, who are crying, and Jesus weeps. He cries. He knows what He's about to do--He is the Son of God, the Savior of the world with the power to heal and restore, to fix and redeem. And He weeps. Could it be that Jesus cries because He knew the second half of Lazarus' story? He knew that while He could heal bodies and fix hurts and restore pain today, there would come a day when bodies would break down, the hurts would return and the pain would be overwhelming. Maybe Jesus wept because of the second half of the story-because He knew that today would only accomplish so much. Tomorrow the brokenness of the world would be obvious again. But that didn't stop him. He was saddened but He healed in spite of a broken world. He redeemed in spite of a broken world. He fixed in spite of a broken world. Which means that the second half of my story doesn't have the final word. It doesn't make what happens in the first half, in the part where I give my life to Jesus, where Jesus does do a miracle, not count.
As broken as out world may be, as far from restoration and healing appear to be, if we look closely we will see glimpses of the same God who went about His work on the pages of the Gospels. Any glimpse of beauty, no matter how temporary, is a glimpse of a world to come. Any respite from hurt, no matter how temporary, is a glimpse of a world to come. And any picture of any kind that speaks of perfection and goodness, wholeness and healing is evidence of a Savior who has been here before and will return again. And the good news is that His return will last forever.

How does it make me feel that I know I'm so incredibly loved by the Savior who came down to this incredibly broken world just so that I would know how much I mean to Him?? I am left in awe...completely longing for that day....and try my hardest to not get caught up in the issues of the world. There's nothing but empty promises. But with Jesus, there's hope! He can comfort the mourning. He can raise dead men to life. He has the pwer to conquer every disease and dysfunction. And while we may get a picture of that now, a brief insight into how the world is supposed to be, we can be certain that there will be a day when Jesus no longer weeps outside the tomb of His friend. When death is no more, when sickness is healed forever. Until then, keep your eyes open for glimpses of hope. Because that is where Jesus lives until we see Him again.