Reflection

ah. memories. sometimes i love them...most of the time i hate them. its the end of another year. and, honestly, i can't tell you how happy i am for that. a new year means a new beginning...which i am in desperate need of.

at small group this week, matt put cards with our names on them around stage123. we each took turns at each card, writing how that person blessed us. i can't tell you how happy i am with that group of people. its so hard for me to open up to people about anything, big or small, past or present or even future. and for some reason, i've just taken to them. so at the end of group tuesday, we wrote on the back of our own cards about our lives in the past year. it was pretty easy for me! haha! its been such a roller coaster. there were some happy times and some times that i'm pretty sure my heart would have rather stopped beating due to the pain.

i feel almost like........ a new person, with brand new feelings, and an even newer outlook on life. i've lost so much. but i've gained greater things. i'm still working on certain things. my life now, when i compare who i was at the beginning of the year, is not really where i want it to be...but it is definitely headed in the right direction.

it's just amazing how Christ sees what your heart needs....and supplies that for you when He sees fit. i've learned, now more than ever, that my time table is no where near His. and my impatient tendencies are causing me to miss so many blessings that are right in front of my eyes.

something else is new for me. my head and my heart are not even close to being aligned. i'm one of the most stubborn people i know... especially when it involves what i know and how i feel. its almost a constant battle. i can't let myself go. i'm scared. its stupid. but i can't help it yet. i'm still working on all of that stuff. :)

i also need to get back to where my spiritual walk should be. i'm slipping and its scary. i don't feel like i have the will power for it sometimes.

this is the first time i've dealt with all of the loss i've experienced in my life. its all new for me. instead of shutting things out....like i've done for my whole life.... i'm working through the hard stuff. nobody likes hard stuff. but i understand now that its okay to have a bad day sometimes. its ok to hurt. i think that's why i don't know what the good feelings feel like.... because i've never felt the bad ones. i'm learning... plus, that sure does sound like an awesome 'new year's resolution'. :) *even though i don't believe in those either. :)*

i don't like Christmas. at all. and this is the first time i've ever ever been like this. i dont know really what it is: no money, no family, no husband... i don't know. it could be the loneliness i feel sometimes, the selfishness i have. the older i get, the more i realize how hard life really is. i put my smile on. i'm one of the best actors you'll ever know. there are times when i don't even feel like getting out of bed. but i do. it's just almost worth it to see the smiles on the faces i see. :)

so. i say all of that to say this:
2010 has been the most rocky of all my years.
2011 can't be any worse.
i made it through this year just fine...and even wiser... with more/better understanding and more grace than i have ever had in my life.

i can't wait for the rest of my life to begin next year. :)
i have a feeling that its gonna be better. :)