I'm a big ball of emotions right now and I just don't understand them. Not even in the least bit. There's anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety. I want to cry, you know, just to let them all out! But I have no tears. Better yet, I wouldn't even know what they were for! Haha! I just got back from seeing my therapist (I love our time together) and it looks like I've got a long road ahead of me in sorting out these emotions.
2011 was a milestone year in more ways than one! I've grown so much as a person, as a Christ follower. I've learned to stand up for myself and for my own well-being in work and church and personal relationships. When I see that something has the potential to not be healthy in any way for me, I develop this caution that I've never had before. When I'm threatened, I don't tuck myself back into my shell anymore. I've loved, I've lost. And I believe I'm stronger now than I've ever been.
It's hard to come off a streak like that! :) With strength comes opposition. Not just from other people, but also from within. I feel like I scare people off; guys, gals, coworkers, youth workers. Pretty much anyone. I'm not sure how everyone sees me, but I'm certain how some do. I'm intimidating. I'm confident. I love Jesus. I have wisdom. I know what I want.
I want a guy who loves Jesus...not only that, but who also follows Him. I want a guy who can bring something to the table; I don't want a relationship where it's all about me and what I like and what I did during the day and how I feel about things. I want him to have a hobby and have a passion about something other than being just like me. That's annoying. I want a guy who has an identity; in Christ and as a person. My therapist today told me that I would make such a great Minister's Wife. :o What does that mean?? I'm ready to help. I'm ready to strengthen. I'm ready to serve.
I want a youth group where there aren't cliques. I want the kids to love coming to church and to not be confused about the happenings of every week. I want youth leaders want to lead, and to love!
I want friends who love me as much as I love them. I don't want to be forgotten. I love going out and laughing about "Sanchez's" for hours for no reason. :) I want conversation.
What do I do to get all of these things?? Some of them, I have. And I'm so so so very grateful! God really does bring people together just at the right time for all the right reasons. It meas so much to me that God finds favor in me! And to know just how much He cares for me. Wow. It truly just sweeps me off my feet.
I'm ready to find my match. In every area of my life. So... other than prayer, How do I do it?
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