This is when things get hard....

It's been 12 years.
Well tomorrow will make that long.
Without my mommy.

memories of dad ♥

I remember one time...I suppose I was in 6th grade....
My first 'real' kiss ever was that summer on my front porch by a boy named Keith. And of course, my sister saw it all! She freaked out on me. Uncool. That weekend, we went to Dayton to stay with my dad and his girlfriend Sandy. Of course, being the little tattling sister...she told him.
He freaked out! I am his baby girl! No boy should be kissing me! :)

Saturday mornings. Cartoons. Fruity Pebbles.

food for thought....

I just think it is amazing how, when you aren't close to God and don't really care to do things His way, there are guys everywhere...literally. Guys who are never going to care about you. Guys who have no respect for you or for themselves.

And then...when you decide that God's way is THE way...and when being 100% pure until you marry and have a family...all those guys scatter.

Do you know how HARD it is to find someone who could care less about having sex? :)
Just sayin.......

I'm glad my best friend is my best friend. Couldn't make it without him. :)

4am

WARNING::  The following are pretty scattered. I'm just typing as they come to my head! I have a million things swimming around in there and the cluttered mess just has to come out! :)

Sometimes when your heart is overwhelmed and you just don't know what to do.... you do just that. Nothing. You end up going in circles and passing all the familiar things you've been used to. I'm done. I've come to the breaking point. Walls have to come down. Certain people have to be trusted. God has to be heard!

Last week at Rock Bridge, we talked about faith pirates (pt 4). We have a tendency to hear the world yelling at us and we are just unable to hear God's whisper.

I haven't been sleeping well at all for maybe the past 3 weeks or so. I'm so tired. I'm sleepy. I dream bad dreams when I do actually sleep. I went to the doctor and he gave me a few samples of AmbienCR. Doesn't seem to be working. I still wake up super early. It would just be so frustrating. I didn't know why...until now!!! And THAT is the most exciting part!!!!

Small group on Monday night::
We broke into groups of 4 (Tiffney, Matt, me, and Julia) and had our prayer time. Matt asked us what we feel like, at this point in our lives, was our 'faith pirate'...what do we deal with that robs our faith. I thought about it. Every time the ugly monster of death rears its teeth, it seems like it just sets me back a few steps. So that's what I picked. It isn't that I blame God. It isn't that I'm upset about it. I suppose its just that I don't know what happens. I know, I know. Nobody knows what happens when you die. Not the pain, not the visions. Nothing.

I just realized that night just how much death and loss and suffering and emptiness consumes my life. I'm no psychiatrist...but I'm gonna say that's not very good. I used to be one who carries myself like things don't bother me. Good or bad. I'm really dealing with that right now.

But back to the story...

So for the past 2 nights, I was woke up by some odd dream I was having about me eating something.  Strange, I know. But at 4am, there I was wide awake. Never did I think to read my bible. Or even talk to God. I just laid there...frustrated. This morning was different. I just had the feeling that everything does happen for a reason. My head was turning, flipping, and flopping. I just got my phone, and turned on my Bible app. :)  It's still a mystery to me how the screen said Romans 8 (as the last place I looked was Job), so I just started reading.

Romans 8:1, 18-19, 36-39 NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 I don't think anything else needs to be said after that.
I just love love love how when I'm at my lowest point and the only thing I have is desperation...He shows up in a big big way. And it's then when I realize that if I had never have let myself get in the way of that, He would always be with me in a big, big way.

I'm on the right track. He wants my walls down so He can heal me...from the inside out. He wants peace for me. He wants to love on me. All I have to do is let Him.

The Wrong Side Of The Heart.

What is a testimony??
Evidently, some people have a different view than I do of what your testimony is...and even what it means to have one.  Google says: A declaration of the spiritual truths one knows to be true, through the witness of the Holy Ghost.  Ok. That's a good one. :) A testimony, to me, is just that: what we know to be true. I know that Jesus Christ died on that hill as a sacrifice for me and my sins. I know that. I believe that. And that one statement is what allows me to live my life. Period. 


So...why is it that some people think that their entire testimony comes when some tragic event happens? I don't understand what is missing. Bad, tragic things happen to us because satan doesn't want God to have the glory in it...and they all come from satan. He doesn't want us to live our lives praising Christ! And when that awful, bad, tragic things happen, I'm not gonna lie, its hard to praise and magnify Him! But the concept that God GIVES us those bad things to make us go through something horrible just to be close to Him...could just possibly be the dumbest thing I have ever heard!!!! 


Now...I will say this. I believe with my whole heart that God does allow us to experience those bad things. He doesn't have to, but He does. But its all for the greater good. I know that every single thing that is the farthest away from "good" that has happened to me in my life has, in fact, brought me closer to God. All of those events give me reassurance that God is who He says He is. That faith makes me a witness...a disciple...a Christ follower...a bible-reader...a lover. And when I tell people about what Christ does for me...and what He has done for me during my entire life...I choose to include some of those bad things. They have shaped my heart into who I am because I fully relied on Christ to help me. 


The Cross is Enough! Do you not understand what Jesus did for us!? The pain and the suffering he endured for us... willingly! I don't deserve crap! But everything He gives, I gladly except. Good or bad. 
But when I hear, "God gave all these bad things so that I could have a Testimony"... It's almost like saying that God didn't think much of you our your faith so he decided to slap you in the face with trauma! Couldn't be farther from the truth!

You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you....you PRAY for the strength to endure them... and look only God to help you get through.  You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you so that you can be a light to others.

For me, the greatest testimony is one that is told by actions, with an over flowing of grace and love and joy from their heart..... NOT told by bad things you may, or may not, have to get through...but expresses the GLORY of Christ!

The Cross is Enough for Me!

Sometimes we just never know....

So...every once in a while...death comes and knocks on the door. Not in my own life...but in the lives of those around me. Early Saturday morning, Christopher Acree passed away.

The story goes: He was at the 5th Quarter  and couldn't drive home. Someone called him a cab, but when he got to his grandparents house, he couldn't get in because someone had his keys. So his plans were to just climb into a window. He somehow fell off the ledge. His grandpa found him early Saturday morning. 

I'm just not sure what to think at this point.  Do I think about all the ways this could have been prevented? Do I think of all the missed opportunities I had throughout the years to witness to him? Do I think of what he went through, if anything, when he was taking that last breath?

Death.

We all have to experience it. That is one thing we aren't spared from. Its the one thing that we, as humans, know absolutely nothing about. It's scary.

Reflection

ah. memories. sometimes i love them...most of the time i hate them. its the end of another year. and, honestly, i can't tell you how happy i am for that. a new year means a new beginning...which i am in desperate need of.

at small group this week, matt put cards with our names on them around stage123. we each took turns at each card, writing how that person blessed us. i can't tell you how happy i am with that group of people. its so hard for me to open up to people about anything, big or small, past or present or even future. and for some reason, i've just taken to them. so at the end of group tuesday, we wrote on the back of our own cards about our lives in the past year. it was pretty easy for me! haha! its been such a roller coaster. there were some happy times and some times that i'm pretty sure my heart would have rather stopped beating due to the pain.

i feel almost like........ a new person, with brand new feelings, and an even newer outlook on life. i've lost so much. but i've gained greater things. i'm still working on certain things. my life now, when i compare who i was at the beginning of the year, is not really where i want it to be...but it is definitely headed in the right direction.

it's just amazing how Christ sees what your heart needs....and supplies that for you when He sees fit. i've learned, now more than ever, that my time table is no where near His. and my impatient tendencies are causing me to miss so many blessings that are right in front of my eyes.

something else is new for me. my head and my heart are not even close to being aligned. i'm one of the most stubborn people i know... especially when it involves what i know and how i feel. its almost a constant battle. i can't let myself go. i'm scared. its stupid. but i can't help it yet. i'm still working on all of that stuff. :)

i also need to get back to where my spiritual walk should be. i'm slipping and its scary. i don't feel like i have the will power for it sometimes.

this is the first time i've dealt with all of the loss i've experienced in my life. its all new for me. instead of shutting things out....like i've done for my whole life.... i'm working through the hard stuff. nobody likes hard stuff. but i understand now that its okay to have a bad day sometimes. its ok to hurt. i think that's why i don't know what the good feelings feel like.... because i've never felt the bad ones. i'm learning... plus, that sure does sound like an awesome 'new year's resolution'. :) *even though i don't believe in those either. :)*

i don't like Christmas. at all. and this is the first time i've ever ever been like this. i dont know really what it is: no money, no family, no husband... i don't know. it could be the loneliness i feel sometimes, the selfishness i have. the older i get, the more i realize how hard life really is. i put my smile on. i'm one of the best actors you'll ever know. there are times when i don't even feel like getting out of bed. but i do. it's just almost worth it to see the smiles on the faces i see. :)

so. i say all of that to say this:
2010 has been the most rocky of all my years.
2011 can't be any worse.
i made it through this year just fine...and even wiser... with more/better understanding and more grace than i have ever had in my life.

i can't wait for the rest of my life to begin next year. :)
i have a feeling that its gonna be better. :)