Alcohol. Gains contol of your life with every sip.

This week has truly been a mess if there ever was one!
Not really sure where to start...

• Tuesday, Emilio Barajas passed away. Tragic. I was told that he fell out of the car while going home after the Rome Braves game Monday night. Brain damage. So heartbreaking. He was way intoxicated, so the story goes. A baby girl don't have her dad.
• Thursday, Elizabeth Burchfield passed away. Again, Tragic. She was a passenger. The driver lost control of the car and Elizabeth was ejected from the vehicle. A young little boy and a younger little girl...both lost their mom.

I know that it shouldn't take tragedy to open up eyes of the blind....but it has. I, like a lot of people my age, have partied and drank, etc. I am also guilty of 'buzzed driving'. I'm equally guilty of driving when I, and everyone around me, knew better than to let me have those keys. I would talk on the phone the whole way home. Not cool. Or head to Waffle House, "food will just absorb that alcohol and I won't be drunk anymore". kinda thinking. Wrong.

My philosophy is this:: Neither of my friends were drinking and behind the wheel, but the impact of alcohol on each of their deaths will forever change the lives of so so many people. Family. Friends. Alcohol, in one way or another, has taken them away much too soon in such preventable deaths! That really breaks my heart.

Jeff Rogers said this, when I sent a prayer request for these families...
   "So much heartbreak friend. You posted the verse of warning just the other day. It is a mocker and a deceiver. The lust of the flesh says take it, it will make you feel fun, charming, etc. Then it mocks and laughs at us, with every gulp that goes down, for it knows it's gaining more control of the wheel with every sip. I'm so sorry friend. He can work the bad to good. For His glory!"
Do you understand how powerful that is?? It really spoke to me. I've never thought about it like that. The verse I posted was Proverbs 20:1  (Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.) It's really powerful to fully comprehend that satan lives in alcohol, and drugs for that matter, and makes it so appealing to us: how we feel when we indulge in it, how pleasing it makes others we're around. But it fully does take complete control of your life, even if you don't realize it! And in the process, it hurts the hearts of you, your family, your friends. Not to mention, the physical hurts it causes you. And let's not forget about driving...chances of an accident multiply tremendously when alcohol is involved.

Get out. Bind satan from having that hold on your life. And simply don't be around it.

I pray for peace for these families and friends who were directly and indirectly effected by these tragedies. My heart truly breaks for them all!

Just plain Left Behind....

Lately it really feels like I've just been absolutely left behind. Left behind in everything. I have to leave stuff here and go be with my family too, so I know that i'm not the only one in the world who feels like this.  Its still hard. Really hard. Things start festering when I hold them all inside. People notice. They aren't stupid. It's like....while everyone else in this world is moving forward, I seem to be just taking 10 steps back. Not cool. Left behind.

So...on my way home from church tonight, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had just lost my best friend. I realized how super heavy my heart was from just not being able to get stuff out. :/ Awful. As I was getting off the interstate, "Enough" by Barlow Girl came on. HE'S enough for me!!!! HE'S all I need. As soon as I heard it, tears exploded out of my eyes! It's hard to comprehend sometimes, but I know that people here are human. But no matter what time it is, or what I have to just get off my chest, HE'S the only one I can go to with comfort, He'll never tell a soul. In turn, I get the answers I NEED to hear, not the ones i want. HE'S ENOUGH. Period. :)

I suppose this really doesn't do a thing for my trust issue. ;) But, for now, and until I find another human being that I can confide completely and fully in, HE'S the ONLY One I'll go to. :)

I LOVE MUSIC. I love how it speaks to me. :)

Exhaustion.

its been a little while since i've written. :/  Busy life i suppose. This little note is just to serve as a reminder later on down the road of what my feelings were at this trying time. Mamaw is so sick. It all started right before Mother's Day. She was in the hospital and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She did get to come home, though, before Mother's Day. A lot of the family got to spend it with her at the house because she just wasn't able to make it up to the church. Since then she has had good days and bad days. Some were really good, some were really bad. For the past 3 weeks, though, she has really taken us all on such an extreme roller coaster. In the hospital for about 5-6 days, then out for less than 24 hours; back in the hospital. Oma and I went and stayed with her for a few days... July 24-26. She would have a day of sleep where nothing could wake her up. Nothing. Then the next day, she'd stay awake for all her meals and would eat a lot of it. So just when we all thought she was getting better, Friday July 29, she went back to the hospital. Her blood pressure and heart rate kept bottoming out. She couldn't talk. She kept reaching up and grabbing for things in the air that no one but her could see. When me and michelle and dora got up there Saturday night, she just wasn't good. Dora just sat on the side of the bed and cried. Mamaw just looked at her. I'm not sure if she even knew what was going on. So, the dr at the Scott County hospital released her to go home. There was nothing they were doing that couldn't be done at home. Medicine and keeping her from hurting. That's all they were doing. So off she went in an ambulance. And we headed for Ellijay. I called to check on them right after we got out of Knoxville. She was fine. Ate most of her dinner. Blood pressure was good, heart rate was good. When we got to Cleveland, Oma called. Mamaw was in failure. Fluid on her lungs. They called 911 and the ambulance took her and Jannie to the hospital. They wanted her to go to Oak Ridge. The nurses finally got her stabilized and sent her on. Now she's in Oak Ridge in the Cardiovascular Surgical Unit. They are doing tests and xrays trying to see what they can do for her.

My Prayer
Lord I ask right now that you break our hearts. Break our hearts and make our will for mamaw's life be gone! Your will is all that matters, Lord. I ask a special blessing on all the nurses and doctors assisting mamaw right now. Above everything else, i ask that You give her peace. And comfort. Help her understand Your Way when there's no understanding anything else, Lord. I pray for strength on Oma and Jannie. What love they have! Unconditional. Pure.  I ask for grace Lord. Your Grace. Help me see, Lord, that there really is grace in every circumstance. It's hard, Lord. You know that. But I also know that when you're tired, you're tired. Maybe mamaw is still here because it's not her time yet! She'll go when YOU say she will Lord. I ask for You to show me Lord where and what YOU would have me to do. :) I love you Lord.

A Broken Hallelujah

Mamaw is sick. She can't breathe. Her blood pressure is super low; her heart rate is super high. She has fluid on her lungs. That just means that her heart can't beat like it's supposed to. Which, in turn, means her blood can't deliver oxygen to her brain like it needs to. I've heard that she didn't know who nana was when she called Sunday morning. She was put in ICU.... which is extremely scary in itself. She's now in a regular room with the same amount of threat. She was so much better when she had people around her. I would be too, honestly. I'm still super stressed about this all.

I think the worst part of this is the fact that i don't know. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the doctors are saying. I don't know how mamaw is. I just don't know.

And what I do know scares me. I know that she's been crying. I know that she misses my papaw. I know that she's saying that she's just waiting for him to come get her to take her home. I know that there are people up there who are really not good at anything other than getting in the way. I know that my other aunts are upset, scared, worried, stressed. It's hard.

But in this all, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I am so very loved. We have so many people praying and praying hard for mamaw and for my whole family.  Talk about a blessing!

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful, the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Bring The Rain

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

It's ok to be broken, When you allow God to put you back together

Whew!! Its been a rough week and a half for me.
- My car breaks down on the interstate. Turns out, my timing belt broke. All in all, it's gonna be about $1000 to get it fixed. This means, of course, that my aunt has to bring me to work and we both have to get up at like 4 am. I'm not so thrilled about that.
- I leave my phone charger at church last Wednesday... and my battery lasts a whole 5 hours anyway. Not happy about that.

I'll start where i know best: Complaining about the things I can't control.
I hate hate hate when I don't have control over certain things. Not that I need to have control, just that I'm super independent. I don't like the fact that I have to rely on someone, no matter who it is or how much they want to do it for me, to take me to work or come get me for church, or anything like that! I want to do it all myself.  So I've had a little bit of a rough time. No car. No phone.

Why have I had a rough time? Just when I needed a friend or someone to talk to, I couldn't. I had a rough weekend. I was having a hard time dealing with life. I was missing my mom. A lot. And I didn't have a friend to talk to. I feel like that's when I needed someone... and I just couldn't reach out. So here I was. Not knowing what to do with all my feelings. There have been people contact me for the first time since she passed away. People who she worked with or what ever. I'm still not completely sure. Kent McMillan, Roger Locke. And a few others. God has a way of giving us just what we need right when we need it. There's a reason they are contacting me now. This is when i've really had the opportunity to really deal with the death and the pain and the withdrawal I've had. And it sure does help me to know how other people saw my mother. I didn't know her like they did. We didn't have that close relationship. She was my mom; I was her daughter. We fought. We argued. They were friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I love hearing and understanding that she was just how I am. Or how much Michelle acts like her. And how I walk just like her. It truly means a lot! And I didn't have that best friend to go to and tell. So I went to God. :)

Sometimes that's hard. Just going to God. And not trying to sort out all my feelings for myself (which is impossible... its a big jumbled mess).

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Last night, Tiffany came to pick me up for small group. I'll admit that I was feeling a little/ a lot down and it was a struggle for me to even say yes to her... and go. But I'm telling you! God has this way. I didn't want to go. He did. He wins! Always. Jessica told me that she knew my mom!!!!!!!!! Do you understand what a big deal that is!? Just more confirmation, as if I needed anything else to help me understand, that Christ puts you in the path of other people for both your sakes. :)  I can't tell you how over-joyed I am right now!!!


so...i say all of that to say this:

• No matter what person, no matter how close they are, lets you down on YOUR OWN TERMS, there's a reason for it...and God comes through in a big big way to show us that HE is the one we have to hold closer than anyone else in this world!
• I'm not the only person who misses my mom. She was such an amazing person in so many people's eyes and I just hope that I am able to let her memory live on through me!

This is when things get hard....

It's been 12 years.
Well tomorrow will make that long.
Without my mommy.