I've been able to see that my 'strength' I show is actually a sign of weakness. I am so caught up in trying to be strong that I can't deal with emotions; I'm never angry, sad, tired, mad, upset. I let a few people see that "un-strong" side of me...but I do so with extreme caution. I lost trust...IF I ever had any in the first place. I've been burned...but I'm sure we all have. Life is a hard thing to deal with. So, instead of dealing with it as it comes, I watch it pass and put on my 'poker face' and pretend like it never happened. I don't have memories, good or bad. Sometimes, I get so caught up in that facade that I forget how to feel anything.
But I'm working on it.
I was thinking at work today that there absolutely has to be a reason that I can't like a boy. To begin with, I have to say that I have absolutely protected my heart with a wall of brick so thick that I'm not sure dynamite can break it. But I have taken on this 'game', so to speak, where I play to find the next best thing. Let me explain. There was a boy, we'll call him Rob. I loved everything that Rob did: the way he said he loved me, the way he called me panda, he kissed like an angel. But then, when I got tired of it, I wanted to find someone who did all those things BETTER. What a stupid game. I ended up in a game of comparison. I hate games. Despise them. And here I was, making up the rules of my own little game as I went. I hurt some people; I developed more and more trust issues. Ridiculous.
But I'm working on it.
So now...I like this guy. A lot. ( and that's a lot for me to even admit that. ) I don't have a clue how he feels. My belly flutters when my phone goes off because I hope its him. I look forward to certain days when I just know I'll get to see him. But maybe he doesn't see it. Maybe he's afraid...just like I am. I've protected myself from rejection. Nobody likes that feeling and I don't know what it means. So what's the next step? Who knows....
But I'm working on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment