Torn ^o^

I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.

I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.

So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.

Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.

Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.

I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!

For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!

Psalm 103:1-3

 ¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,