memories of dad ♥

I remember one time...I suppose I was in 6th grade....
My first 'real' kiss ever was that summer on my front porch by a boy named Keith. And of course, my sister saw it all! She freaked out on me. Uncool. That weekend, we went to Dayton to stay with my dad and his girlfriend Sandy. Of course, being the little tattling sister...she told him.
He freaked out! I am his baby girl! No boy should be kissing me! :)

Saturday mornings. Cartoons. Fruity Pebbles.

food for thought....

I just think it is amazing how, when you aren't close to God and don't really care to do things His way, there are guys everywhere...literally. Guys who are never going to care about you. Guys who have no respect for you or for themselves.

And then...when you decide that God's way is THE way...and when being 100% pure until you marry and have a family...all those guys scatter.

Do you know how HARD it is to find someone who could care less about having sex? :)
Just sayin.......

I'm glad my best friend is my best friend. Couldn't make it without him. :)

4am

WARNING::  The following are pretty scattered. I'm just typing as they come to my head! I have a million things swimming around in there and the cluttered mess just has to come out! :)

Sometimes when your heart is overwhelmed and you just don't know what to do.... you do just that. Nothing. You end up going in circles and passing all the familiar things you've been used to. I'm done. I've come to the breaking point. Walls have to come down. Certain people have to be trusted. God has to be heard!

Last week at Rock Bridge, we talked about faith pirates (pt 4). We have a tendency to hear the world yelling at us and we are just unable to hear God's whisper.

I haven't been sleeping well at all for maybe the past 3 weeks or so. I'm so tired. I'm sleepy. I dream bad dreams when I do actually sleep. I went to the doctor and he gave me a few samples of AmbienCR. Doesn't seem to be working. I still wake up super early. It would just be so frustrating. I didn't know why...until now!!! And THAT is the most exciting part!!!!

Small group on Monday night::
We broke into groups of 4 (Tiffney, Matt, me, and Julia) and had our prayer time. Matt asked us what we feel like, at this point in our lives, was our 'faith pirate'...what do we deal with that robs our faith. I thought about it. Every time the ugly monster of death rears its teeth, it seems like it just sets me back a few steps. So that's what I picked. It isn't that I blame God. It isn't that I'm upset about it. I suppose its just that I don't know what happens. I know, I know. Nobody knows what happens when you die. Not the pain, not the visions. Nothing.

I just realized that night just how much death and loss and suffering and emptiness consumes my life. I'm no psychiatrist...but I'm gonna say that's not very good. I used to be one who carries myself like things don't bother me. Good or bad. I'm really dealing with that right now.

But back to the story...

So for the past 2 nights, I was woke up by some odd dream I was having about me eating something.  Strange, I know. But at 4am, there I was wide awake. Never did I think to read my bible. Or even talk to God. I just laid there...frustrated. This morning was different. I just had the feeling that everything does happen for a reason. My head was turning, flipping, and flopping. I just got my phone, and turned on my Bible app. :)  It's still a mystery to me how the screen said Romans 8 (as the last place I looked was Job), so I just started reading.

Romans 8:1, 18-19, 36-39 NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 I don't think anything else needs to be said after that.
I just love love love how when I'm at my lowest point and the only thing I have is desperation...He shows up in a big big way. And it's then when I realize that if I had never have let myself get in the way of that, He would always be with me in a big, big way.

I'm on the right track. He wants my walls down so He can heal me...from the inside out. He wants peace for me. He wants to love on me. All I have to do is let Him.