I am so overwhelmed tonight. There are so many youngsters who get this awful disease and eventually, it seems, it's just something that doesn't go away. My friend Tabitha's son is a year out of high school. The docs don't give him long. The little girl, Talia, passed away today. I know that, no matter what happens in any of our lives, God is on the Throne and He reigns. I know that. But I can't help but crave an answer. Why can't they live? Why can't they grow old and enjoy their life and develop their talents? And all of a sudden, I'm reminded that even though we go through some pretty tragic happenings, the only way to survive is to rest on His shoulders. I grieve for precious Tabitha. My soul aches for her and for her family. My prayer is that God invades their thoughts and their souls and their hearts, and absolutely wraps them in His love. That's what it is to be held. And I know that I would be nowhere without Him. And His very unconditional love. I also know that He weeps. He weeps for us. He knows every pain, every suffering we have. He weeps. ,
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
THIS is what unconditional support looks like...
Sometimes the saying "when it rains, it pours" seems all too real. As I wrote in a previous post a few weeks ago, my health problems are becoming a little too overwhelming when I feel alone. I thank God that I have Jake to walk along this road right beside me. I'm so thankful that he puts things into perspective for me. When I am told I can't do something, I try and find every way possible to do it....just to prove the doctors wrong.
Yesterday, I got a little bit of some pretty scary, life-changing news. I've been having quite a few of 'female' problems. Normally, I wouldn't get things like that checked out, but when my pain effects those around me, it's time to get a handle on things. Even then, I was hoping that it would be a quick, easy, and painless. So I went to my doctor and the report isn't exactly what I wanted to hear.
Initial diagnosis is endometriosis. I don't know much about what that is. I do know that many women have that. My doctor told me that I would pretty much have two options: pregnancy or hysterectomy. I'm gonna say that neither of those are good for me. AT ALL. Doc told me that hormone therapy would be useful, but I'm not able to do that with me having this kidney disease. He also told me that we could do a surgery to 'clean everything' inside my abdomen, and that would give me about 6-8 months pain-free.
I've got an ultrasound next week to see if there are any other sources of my pain, like cysts or the like. Which, honestly, I'm praying that there is something else in there that is an easier fix. One quick surgery and we're done!
Talking to Jake last night, he put things into perspective for me. What I have, what we have together is nothing but God-given. I thank Him every day for giving me a love that I never thought I'd feel. I thank Him that He's given me every breath, every memory, every moment. I thank Him for Jake. I know he's my partner for life.
He told me that he's thankful for everything we have, for everything God has blessed us with. Anything extra is nothing but His grace. He told me that he's not leaving. He would rather have me healthy for as many years as God blesses me with. I can't even put into words how much the support of Jake means to me. I don't know how he can give up so much, for just me.
Somehow, it puts everything into perspective for me. I was told that it's almost too late for me to have a baby...and we're not married yet. So that step would be a few years later anyway.
In the meantime, I'm asking for some prayer. Pray that my doctor guides us in the right direction. Pray that I am able to recognize the right choice, not just what I want. And pray that we are able to emotionally accept all of it.
Yesterday, I got a little bit of some pretty scary, life-changing news. I've been having quite a few of 'female' problems. Normally, I wouldn't get things like that checked out, but when my pain effects those around me, it's time to get a handle on things. Even then, I was hoping that it would be a quick, easy, and painless. So I went to my doctor and the report isn't exactly what I wanted to hear.
Initial diagnosis is endometriosis. I don't know much about what that is. I do know that many women have that. My doctor told me that I would pretty much have two options: pregnancy or hysterectomy. I'm gonna say that neither of those are good for me. AT ALL. Doc told me that hormone therapy would be useful, but I'm not able to do that with me having this kidney disease. He also told me that we could do a surgery to 'clean everything' inside my abdomen, and that would give me about 6-8 months pain-free.
I've got an ultrasound next week to see if there are any other sources of my pain, like cysts or the like. Which, honestly, I'm praying that there is something else in there that is an easier fix. One quick surgery and we're done!
Talking to Jake last night, he put things into perspective for me. What I have, what we have together is nothing but God-given. I thank Him every day for giving me a love that I never thought I'd feel. I thank Him that He's given me every breath, every memory, every moment. I thank Him for Jake. I know he's my partner for life.
He told me that he's thankful for everything we have, for everything God has blessed us with. Anything extra is nothing but His grace. He told me that he's not leaving. He would rather have me healthy for as many years as God blesses me with. I can't even put into words how much the support of Jake means to me. I don't know how he can give up so much, for just me.
Somehow, it puts everything into perspective for me. I was told that it's almost too late for me to have a baby...and we're not married yet. So that step would be a few years later anyway.
In the meantime, I'm asking for some prayer. Pray that my doctor guides us in the right direction. Pray that I am able to recognize the right choice, not just what I want. And pray that we are able to emotionally accept all of it.
Friday, March 15, 2013
A Loss is A Loss
It's been a sad couple of weeks filled with so many tears and questions. Jake's 10 year old Lab, Sissy, died Wednesday night, March 6. We took her to the vet. She had trouble bleeding. She couldn't use the bathroom. The vet wanted to keep her there overnight to give her fluids and potassium to replenish her hydration. Jake went by as he was on his way home from work Thursday morning to be greeted by the vet's wife, who is also a vet, with the news that Sissy didn't make it.
I've never hurt like that from losing a pet. She was Jake's baby. I've only known her since last May. But she completely captured my heart. Things Jake and his family said over the next couple of days brought on a new kind of heartache.
"If I'd only have known that would be her last day..."
"I really wish I could play frisbee with her one more time..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"I just left her..."
"If I would have known, I would have brought her home and held her..."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer......"
She was only a pet. She was a dog. A good dog....but still just a dog. It almost felt silly that night when I looked over in the garage and said, "Night, night, Sissy."...only to realize that she wasn't there. Couldn't hear me. So... I cried. I cried hard. I cried long. More tears came than have in a very long time.
I realized that night that, no matter how you look at it, a loss is a loss. Some people aren't close to their grandmother, some don't know their dad. When they're gone from this earth, it doesn't impact those on a personal, daily basis. They don't miss them. You don't miss what you never had...or only had for a short time.
It's been 14 years (half of my life!!) since my parents have been gone. And last week, when I witnessed Jake and his family mourn the loss of their sweet, loving Sissy...my memories, my heart drifted back to that ICU waiting room where my family and I prayed for each other, prayed for my mom, comforted each other, and looked for answers. Those two weeks, from March 11, 1999 to March 25, were a turning point in the direction on my life. I cried. I wrote. I sought guidance.
It's really hard to look back now because I was at such a crossroads. I was 14, trying to actually find 'who I am' like every teenager that age. I just lost my dad. February 23, 1999, he had a heart attack. I'm pretty sure I had essentially 'numbed' myself at that point from any sort of emotional pain. I guess you can only take so much. My sadness has come at different stages since then. I guess that's my way of dealing with that tragedy of my life.
So when my sweet Sissy died so suddenly, seeing and experiencing the grieving, it brought me to 14 years ago. I'm a very independent girl. I don't like needing people. I'll never ask for help. And it takes a canon to knock down my walls. But I miss my mom. I never got to have her as a best friend. I never got to ask her for boy advice. I'll never get to pick out my wedding dress with her.
I'm very blessed, don't get me wrong.
But for now, I just really miss my mom.
"If only I had one more day..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"If only I would have known...."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer..."
I've never hurt like that from losing a pet. She was Jake's baby. I've only known her since last May. But she completely captured my heart. Things Jake and his family said over the next couple of days brought on a new kind of heartache.
"If I'd only have known that would be her last day..."
"I really wish I could play frisbee with her one more time..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"I just left her..."
"If I would have known, I would have brought her home and held her..."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer......"
She was only a pet. She was a dog. A good dog....but still just a dog. It almost felt silly that night when I looked over in the garage and said, "Night, night, Sissy."...only to realize that she wasn't there. Couldn't hear me. So... I cried. I cried hard. I cried long. More tears came than have in a very long time.
I realized that night that, no matter how you look at it, a loss is a loss. Some people aren't close to their grandmother, some don't know their dad. When they're gone from this earth, it doesn't impact those on a personal, daily basis. They don't miss them. You don't miss what you never had...or only had for a short time.
It's been 14 years (half of my life!!) since my parents have been gone. And last week, when I witnessed Jake and his family mourn the loss of their sweet, loving Sissy...my memories, my heart drifted back to that ICU waiting room where my family and I prayed for each other, prayed for my mom, comforted each other, and looked for answers. Those two weeks, from March 11, 1999 to March 25, were a turning point in the direction on my life. I cried. I wrote. I sought guidance.
It's really hard to look back now because I was at such a crossroads. I was 14, trying to actually find 'who I am' like every teenager that age. I just lost my dad. February 23, 1999, he had a heart attack. I'm pretty sure I had essentially 'numbed' myself at that point from any sort of emotional pain. I guess you can only take so much. My sadness has come at different stages since then. I guess that's my way of dealing with that tragedy of my life.
So when my sweet Sissy died so suddenly, seeing and experiencing the grieving, it brought me to 14 years ago. I'm a very independent girl. I don't like needing people. I'll never ask for help. And it takes a canon to knock down my walls. But I miss my mom. I never got to have her as a best friend. I never got to ask her for boy advice. I'll never get to pick out my wedding dress with her.
I'm very blessed, don't get me wrong.
But for now, I just really miss my mom.
"If only I had one more day..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"If only I would have known...."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer..."
Friday, February 22, 2013
This is my struggle...PKD
The Struggle
I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. My own family. Me, Jake, and Little One.
Don't get me wrong....it's still a while before we really start thinking about that....like, I don't know....after we get married! Ha! Which isn't next month or anything. :)
For some reason, the want/passion/desire to make a family intensely increased over the past couple of weeks. And I'm just not able to shake it.
With all of that comes some pretty realistic understandings. I have Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). I got it from my mom. (Thanks, mom.) She passed away almost 14 years ago by an aneurysm that burst, which consequently is something that sometimes goes along with this disease. Something else I have to keep a watch on is my blood pressure, which actually has been just steadily rising over the past year or so. I definitely keep regular visits with my kidney doctors.
Pregnancy does some pretty weird things to a gal's body, so I hear. Hormones make every thing change! (Some times for the better!) It could also be detrimental though. Blood pressure changes. My blood pressure is already high...my doctor is wanting to put me on some sort of medicine for that, which could also be harmful for a pregnancy and a baby. For someone with kidney problems, your kidney function could go down, putting you closer to kidney failure. Kidney infections and bladder infections could occur more often. My problem is that my kidneys are HUGE. And I have cysts growing all over them. On my left kidney, there are hundreds of small cysts. On my right one, I have a smaller number of exponentially larger cysts, of which I already had to have a few surgically removed due to the intense pressure they were putting on my liver. The cysts are always growing. It already effects everything, every organ in my body without having a baby in there growing steadily for 9 months.
So what do I do?
My OB/Gyn says that I should absolutely go for it. And he will keep an eye on everything and put me in with a high-risk doctor. My kidney doctor says that if I do want to have a baby, the time is now, before things get worse...and they will get worse...he just doesn't know when.
This disease is very strange. There's no cure...not even a treatment as of right now (other than narcotics for pain) even though there has been research to support the slowing of kidney/cyst growth and volume. But the pain, physical and emotional, is what gets me down.
I've always been the type of girl who takes unfavorable circumstances and turns them into some way to glorify God. Why is this one different? Why can't I just be content with everything God has blessed me with? Why can't I have what I want?
I have always said that I wasn't gonna let some dumb health problem run my life. Wasn't gonna let that be the deciding factor in my dreams, my hopes. Wasn't gonna let a doctor give me a time line of events. I'm gonna do what I wanna do with my future when I get there.....
Now here I am. Jake says that it's 20000% ok with him if I can't give him a baby. So that's not the issue. He loves me. He's here. He's not going anywhere. I'm perfectly content with growing old with him too....just us and our dogs! In his words, "God gave us the gift of each other....Anything else is just pure, undeserved grace...We're lucky to have one another...All I know to do is let Him handle it."
And so...after a morning (I'm sure there will be many more) of tears and prayer, I've decided that I can't control what's going on inside me. No reason to blame anyone. Maybe God wants us to use this to be able to adopt some sweet baby who couldn't be loved by anyone other than Jake and me. Maybe He's got plans for us to minister to a million kids...and not just one. Who knows. :)
You always want what you can't have, right? It almost feels like we'll be missing out on something wonderful that people can't even explain....But I know that God has something for us beyond our wildest dreams...far better than anything we could imagine....
So that's the hope I'm clinging to today.
God's the hope I'm resting in always.
xoxo
maranda
I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. My own family. Me, Jake, and Little One.
Don't get me wrong....it's still a while before we really start thinking about that....like, I don't know....after we get married! Ha! Which isn't next month or anything. :)
For some reason, the want/passion/desire to make a family intensely increased over the past couple of weeks. And I'm just not able to shake it.
With all of that comes some pretty realistic understandings. I have Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). I got it from my mom. (Thanks, mom.) She passed away almost 14 years ago by an aneurysm that burst, which consequently is something that sometimes goes along with this disease. Something else I have to keep a watch on is my blood pressure, which actually has been just steadily rising over the past year or so. I definitely keep regular visits with my kidney doctors.
Pregnancy does some pretty weird things to a gal's body, so I hear. Hormones make every thing change! (Some times for the better!) It could also be detrimental though. Blood pressure changes. My blood pressure is already high...my doctor is wanting to put me on some sort of medicine for that, which could also be harmful for a pregnancy and a baby. For someone with kidney problems, your kidney function could go down, putting you closer to kidney failure. Kidney infections and bladder infections could occur more often. My problem is that my kidneys are HUGE. And I have cysts growing all over them. On my left kidney, there are hundreds of small cysts. On my right one, I have a smaller number of exponentially larger cysts, of which I already had to have a few surgically removed due to the intense pressure they were putting on my liver. The cysts are always growing. It already effects everything, every organ in my body without having a baby in there growing steadily for 9 months.
So what do I do?
My OB/Gyn says that I should absolutely go for it. And he will keep an eye on everything and put me in with a high-risk doctor. My kidney doctor says that if I do want to have a baby, the time is now, before things get worse...and they will get worse...he just doesn't know when.
This disease is very strange. There's no cure...not even a treatment as of right now (other than narcotics for pain) even though there has been research to support the slowing of kidney/cyst growth and volume. But the pain, physical and emotional, is what gets me down.
I've always been the type of girl who takes unfavorable circumstances and turns them into some way to glorify God. Why is this one different? Why can't I just be content with everything God has blessed me with? Why can't I have what I want?
I have always said that I wasn't gonna let some dumb health problem run my life. Wasn't gonna let that be the deciding factor in my dreams, my hopes. Wasn't gonna let a doctor give me a time line of events. I'm gonna do what I wanna do with my future when I get there.....
Now here I am. Jake says that it's 20000% ok with him if I can't give him a baby. So that's not the issue. He loves me. He's here. He's not going anywhere. I'm perfectly content with growing old with him too....just us and our dogs! In his words, "God gave us the gift of each other....Anything else is just pure, undeserved grace...We're lucky to have one another...All I know to do is let Him handle it."
And so...after a morning (I'm sure there will be many more) of tears and prayer, I've decided that I can't control what's going on inside me. No reason to blame anyone. Maybe God wants us to use this to be able to adopt some sweet baby who couldn't be loved by anyone other than Jake and me. Maybe He's got plans for us to minister to a million kids...and not just one. Who knows. :)
You always want what you can't have, right? It almost feels like we'll be missing out on something wonderful that people can't even explain....But I know that God has something for us beyond our wildest dreams...far better than anything we could imagine....
So that's the hope I'm clinging to today.
God's the hope I'm resting in always.
xoxo
maranda
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