The Roses here don't bloom forever

Well it happened. Mamaw went on to be with Jesus. On Monday, November 21, she moved her arms from behind her head to down on her chest and just passed away. So peaceful. So full of grace. I'm not sure there is a better way to go than that, honestly. Her birthday was on November 24; she would have been 85 years old. But I know that now she doesn't hurt any more. Thanksgiving was hard. Oma, Dora, Michelle and I were planning on surprising her for her birthday that morning. But she never saw it.

You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.

It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!

Refuge...

Refuge:   Lauren Owens

In You, Oh God, I put my hope. You're my Rock and my Salvation. You are my strength, a place to rest. that I would not be shaken. that I would not be shaken....

For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You. You are my Refuge. You are my Refuge.

My soul waits for You alone. In the moments when my fears prevail. You are my Help, my life, my Shield. Your love never fails. Your love never fails.....

For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You.


We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You.
You're my Hiding Place, I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....

You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.

Torn ^o^

I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.

I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.

So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.

Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.

Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.

I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!

For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!

Psalm 103:1-3

 ¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,