Just plain Left Behind....

Lately it really feels like I've just been absolutely left behind. Left behind in everything. I have to leave stuff here and go be with my family too, so I know that i'm not the only one in the world who feels like this.  Its still hard. Really hard. Things start festering when I hold them all inside. People notice. They aren't stupid. It's like....while everyone else in this world is moving forward, I seem to be just taking 10 steps back. Not cool. Left behind.

So...on my way home from church tonight, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had just lost my best friend. I realized how super heavy my heart was from just not being able to get stuff out. :/ Awful. As I was getting off the interstate, "Enough" by Barlow Girl came on. HE'S enough for me!!!! HE'S all I need. As soon as I heard it, tears exploded out of my eyes! It's hard to comprehend sometimes, but I know that people here are human. But no matter what time it is, or what I have to just get off my chest, HE'S the only one I can go to with comfort, He'll never tell a soul. In turn, I get the answers I NEED to hear, not the ones i want. HE'S ENOUGH. Period. :)

I suppose this really doesn't do a thing for my trust issue. ;) But, for now, and until I find another human being that I can confide completely and fully in, HE'S the ONLY One I'll go to. :)

I LOVE MUSIC. I love how it speaks to me. :)

Exhaustion.

its been a little while since i've written. :/  Busy life i suppose. This little note is just to serve as a reminder later on down the road of what my feelings were at this trying time. Mamaw is so sick. It all started right before Mother's Day. She was in the hospital and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She did get to come home, though, before Mother's Day. A lot of the family got to spend it with her at the house because she just wasn't able to make it up to the church. Since then she has had good days and bad days. Some were really good, some were really bad. For the past 3 weeks, though, she has really taken us all on such an extreme roller coaster. In the hospital for about 5-6 days, then out for less than 24 hours; back in the hospital. Oma and I went and stayed with her for a few days... July 24-26. She would have a day of sleep where nothing could wake her up. Nothing. Then the next day, she'd stay awake for all her meals and would eat a lot of it. So just when we all thought she was getting better, Friday July 29, she went back to the hospital. Her blood pressure and heart rate kept bottoming out. She couldn't talk. She kept reaching up and grabbing for things in the air that no one but her could see. When me and michelle and dora got up there Saturday night, she just wasn't good. Dora just sat on the side of the bed and cried. Mamaw just looked at her. I'm not sure if she even knew what was going on. So, the dr at the Scott County hospital released her to go home. There was nothing they were doing that couldn't be done at home. Medicine and keeping her from hurting. That's all they were doing. So off she went in an ambulance. And we headed for Ellijay. I called to check on them right after we got out of Knoxville. She was fine. Ate most of her dinner. Blood pressure was good, heart rate was good. When we got to Cleveland, Oma called. Mamaw was in failure. Fluid on her lungs. They called 911 and the ambulance took her and Jannie to the hospital. They wanted her to go to Oak Ridge. The nurses finally got her stabilized and sent her on. Now she's in Oak Ridge in the Cardiovascular Surgical Unit. They are doing tests and xrays trying to see what they can do for her.

My Prayer
Lord I ask right now that you break our hearts. Break our hearts and make our will for mamaw's life be gone! Your will is all that matters, Lord. I ask a special blessing on all the nurses and doctors assisting mamaw right now. Above everything else, i ask that You give her peace. And comfort. Help her understand Your Way when there's no understanding anything else, Lord. I pray for strength on Oma and Jannie. What love they have! Unconditional. Pure.  I ask for grace Lord. Your Grace. Help me see, Lord, that there really is grace in every circumstance. It's hard, Lord. You know that. But I also know that when you're tired, you're tired. Maybe mamaw is still here because it's not her time yet! She'll go when YOU say she will Lord. I ask for You to show me Lord where and what YOU would have me to do. :) I love you Lord.