The Wife who Respects

I just have to tell you what my heart feels right now. I've never, and by 'never' i mean I've never had the childhood dream of looking like Cinderella walking down that aisle or never wanted to grow up and have a home with children running around like monkeys....anyhow, I've never wanted to be a wife. Never. It was just me. Me. I used to contribute that feeling to my home-life growing up. My parents were never married. Had two, might I say Beautiful children. :) They fought. My dad hit my mom. My mom fought back. Eventually my dad was sent off to jail for a little while, and my parents (they were together for so long that they had a common-law marriage) eventually got divorced. Then it was me, my sister, and my mom. That was life. And it worked. For a while.

I've gone into this "Real Marriage" series that Mars Hill Church is doing. My mind is officially BLOWN! I'm just going to put away all of my preconceived notion that marriage just doesn't work. It can! In Part4: The Respectful Wife, I am completely longing to be a wife! Encourager! I think the closer I get to God, the more I realize exactly what I've been perfectly created in His likeness. Whatever I am, He made me HIS masterpiece! Whoa! I want a husband. I want to love and respect and encourage and help and nurture and pray for and play with and walk with and and have and spend my life with a husband. A Godly husband. A husband who fears God. A husband who leads. A husband who studies his bible. A husband who wants the best for me.

There. I said it. I want a husband. God has completely changed my views of what my life will be like. Completely...inside out! And I'm so very grateful. I'm following. I'm serving. I'm growing.

I'm ready.

When Sadness Morphs....

I'm there. I'm stuck. I'm so sad. 'Sad' is one emotion that I wouldn't characterize myself as. I'm never sad. Truth is, I'm always sad. I just morph it into what emotions are necessary for any situation. My heart is so heavy with anger. I feel like it's misdirected to almost anyone. I don't cry when I'm sad. I cry when I don't know what to do with my emotional self. My recent sadness comes from my aunt passing away in the most dramatic way I have ever witnessed...and I really hope I never see anything like it again. But my anger also comes from that situation. I'm not angry at God...I'm angry because of the month or two or three that led up to her death. She's good. I'm not sad about that. I'm sad and angry about the way people treated her. I have an amazing model of unfailing, undying, compassionate, with-you-till-the-end kind of love. I guess not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have that though.

I'm sad. So I yell. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious. I'm hurt. I'm overwhelmed.

I've been through things...a lot of things...that I have never allowed myself to feel sad about. I have always made an excuse. Sadness has always been a 'weak' emotion. So I cover it with a 'strong' emotion...and get mad. But I'm just sad. I want my mom here to talk to me. I want to go fishing with my dad again. I want to hear my Papaw sit on the front porch and pick that banjo. I want more life lessons from Buddy. I want my Mamaw to teach me to quilt. I want my ex boyfriend to be my friend. I want my old friends to understand why I made some decisions I had to make. I want to cut Dora's hair again...and do her nails. I want my sister to be my best friend. I want to trust again. I want so much. And for all of that....sadness erupts in my soul.

I want Jesus to hold my heart. And let me feel His heartbeat.