Whew. I sure did have a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I just had this pain. It's kind of hard to explain really...it just hurt. My kidney on the left side was mad at me or something. haha! Christmas was hard enough...and this was just the cherry on top. Deciding to just call my kidney dr on Monday, I just took medicine for pain (which I absolutely despise!).
Monday morning came and I was greeted by a woman from Nephrology's answering service. :/ Not cool. Come to find out, they are closed all week. Ok. So I call Dr Veys' office...closed. :/ Double not cool. The lady at the answering service told me that she wasn't calling Dr Newby, the on-call doc, unless it was an emergency... and hung up. So on top of hurting, now I'm just mad.
The only other option I had was a walk-in clinic. It's hard for me to go to one of those when I have kidney pain or any infection. I simply know more than they do about it, so they end up just sending me to the hospital. So I went to Hamilton Convenient Care. They closed 3 minutes before I got there. That's frustrating. The emergency room was my last option.
As soon as I walk into the door, I saw 2 women throwing up, and at least 25 people. Gross. So I filled out my papers. They called me into triage. My bp was up. Surprise. It's always up. Thank you, kidneys. :) I went back and sat there with the people of sickness...expecting to be waiting for about2 hours because they literally had no rooms available. It took about 15 minutes in the waiting room when I heard my name. :) I felt a little bad because everyone in that waiting room stared at me because I came way after they did, but at the same time, they do take people by the seriousness of their illness. So I didn't mind too much!
My nurse, Steve C., was amazing!!!!! It took maybe 10 minutes for the Dr to come in to start me on some IV fluids and get some pain medicine in me. This was the very first time that the Dr and nurse actually listened to what I was saying and paying attention to how I was feeling. I was actually cared about and not treated as though I was just another stop or just a chart. He was super careful while putting in my IV line. I'm allergic to morphine so they watched me super close to make sure I wasn't allergic to Dilaudid. Steve came in about every 15-20 minutes to check on me, to get my vitals, and to see what my pain level was.
It's not even as though I was given preferential treatment! They both treated all of their patients this way. I'm not sure that I've ever been to even just a regular dr office where this happened. I am absolutely blown away by their attitudes and compassion.
It all came at the right time too. Of course. I believe God uses people to help you in every way. I needed physical help...and He put me there at just the right time, and freed up that room so that dr and that nurse would be assigned to me. Don't tell me God doesn't work in mysterious ways. :) He does. I have proof. It's not a coincidence...none of this is. :)
I'm gonna find a way to do a survey of some sort and let the hospital know how Steve C. the nurse and that dr treated me as a patient. They'll never know what an impact they made in my heart at that point in time.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Roses here don't bloom forever
Well it happened. Mamaw went on to be with Jesus. On Monday, November 21, she moved her arms from behind her head to down on her chest and just passed away. So peaceful. So full of grace. I'm not sure there is a better way to go than that, honestly. Her birthday was on November 24; she would have been 85 years old. But I know that now she doesn't hurt any more. Thanksgiving was hard. Oma, Dora, Michelle and I were planning on surprising her for her birthday that morning. But she never saw it.
You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.
It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!
You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.
It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Refuge...
Refuge: Lauren Owens
In You, Oh God, I put my hope. You're my Rock and my Salvation. You are my strength, a place to rest. that I would not be shaken. that I would not be shaken....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You. You are my Refuge. You are my Refuge.
My soul waits for You alone. In the moments when my fears prevail. You are my Help, my life, my Shield. Your love never fails. Your love never fails.....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You.
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You.
You're my Hiding Place, I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Torn ^o^
I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.
I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.
So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.
Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.
Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.
I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!
For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!
I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.
So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.
Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.
Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.
I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!
For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!
Psalm 103:1-3
1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My God Reigns! Especially When I'm scared!
Just the word 'surgery' scares me. I went to Dr Richmond, my kidney dr, and had a great check up. He checks everything from head to toe. the only comment he made was that he didn't like how my right kidney felt....
Now, let me explain something. I have Polycycstic Kidney Disease (PKD). My mom had it so I won when it was time for her to pass that along genetically. I was diagnosed when I was 19, while most patients aren't diagnosed until their 30s or 40s. So my case evidently advanced early on. Yay. Normally, this disease only causes cysts to grow and we're more prone to Kidney infections and that eventually cause some bladder, or UTI, infections. So those were something easy to deal with. Your kidneys are also quite enlarged. ( you can read about it here if you'd like) Normal kidneys are somewhere along the lines of 9cm. Mine are17 and 19cm. So they're big. And I have some quite large cysts. Sometimes they burst; I don't feel all the time, but that's where most of my kidney infections come from.
Noting the size of my kidneys, I have an emmense amount of pressure in my back and my sides. (The fact that I've gained weight doesn't help, I'm sure.) In July, Dr Veys, my surgeon, sent me to a radiologist for a cyst aspiration (draining the fluid off a larger cyst) to see if that would relieve the pain. Now, it did, but that is not any sort of permanent thing as the cysts will eventually fill back up, whether it takes days, months, or even a year. It helped for about a month or so, and I was back to taking about 10 hydrocodones a week, which in my opinion is unacceptable.
...so now, here we are.
Dr Veys explained to me the risks of surgery:
*bleeding
*there's a chance that it wouldn't even help
*scar tissure would cause complications in later surgeries.
He also told me that since the aspiration in July didn't help, this more than likely would.
So the plan was to do the surgery to 'deflate' about 3 cysts on my right kidney and cauterize it so that another cyst more than likely won't grow back there. He would do the surgery laproscopically. There would be 4-5 TINY incisions and he would do the whole robotic/camera thing. He would lift my liver and do his thing. The surgery wouldn't last for more than about 3-4 hours, and I'd be in the hospital for about 2 days.
Last night, after church, Dr Veys called me....
He got 2nd and 3rd opinions from his urology coworkers/friends, one from Chattanooga even. After their discussions over the operating room xray viewer thing, they all came to the same conclusion: My case was a hard one and I needed to be cut open in order to get accomplished what they wanted.
What does that mean?
*longer surgery
*a 5inch incision in my abdomen
*longer time in the hospital
*longer time out of work recovering
I was quite overwhelmed honestly. Its almost like things just got serious. And REAL. It means so much to me that my Dr wants to investigate EVERYthing that he's doing. He isn't taking this surgery lightly and I don't think I need to either. I hate it when I'm on this side of the system. I always want to be the one helping, not the one being helped. I want to be the one who cares for you when you have surgery, not the other way around. I know that I get a blessing from being that person, so maybe the people helping and caring for me, and most importantly PRAYING for me....maybe they'll get as big a blessing as I do! :)
I'm a little bit scared still, but only because I don't know the steps involved and what EXACTLY Dr Veys is going to be doing.
But you know what I do know? I serve a mighty God and the Great Healer. Last night, with a tear-covered face, I got down beside my bed and prayed like I've never prayed before. At that moment, on J103, 'Arms that hold the universe' came on.
I mean...are you serious?? I have never felt so incredibly loved in my life. The amount of love God has for us, we will never ever be able to comprehend. I feel a slight fraction and my heart feels like it could explode! I know that there will be nothing but good to come out of this surgery and the future surgeries I have. He is so so good! I'm letting my light shine today! I may be facing a hard thing....but my Jesus died on that Cross for my life. He's getting ALL the glory! Filled with the Holy Spirit, I'll go into that operating room singing loud, He is never letting me go!
Now, let me explain something. I have Polycycstic Kidney Disease (PKD). My mom had it so I won when it was time for her to pass that along genetically. I was diagnosed when I was 19, while most patients aren't diagnosed until their 30s or 40s. So my case evidently advanced early on. Yay. Normally, this disease only causes cysts to grow and we're more prone to Kidney infections and that eventually cause some bladder, or UTI, infections. So those were something easy to deal with. Your kidneys are also quite enlarged. ( you can read about it here if you'd like) Normal kidneys are somewhere along the lines of 9cm. Mine are17 and 19cm. So they're big. And I have some quite large cysts. Sometimes they burst; I don't feel all the time, but that's where most of my kidney infections come from.
Noting the size of my kidneys, I have an emmense amount of pressure in my back and my sides. (The fact that I've gained weight doesn't help, I'm sure.) In July, Dr Veys, my surgeon, sent me to a radiologist for a cyst aspiration (draining the fluid off a larger cyst) to see if that would relieve the pain. Now, it did, but that is not any sort of permanent thing as the cysts will eventually fill back up, whether it takes days, months, or even a year. It helped for about a month or so, and I was back to taking about 10 hydrocodones a week, which in my opinion is unacceptable.
...so now, here we are.
Dr Veys explained to me the risks of surgery:
*bleeding
*there's a chance that it wouldn't even help
*scar tissure would cause complications in later surgeries.
He also told me that since the aspiration in July didn't help, this more than likely would.
So the plan was to do the surgery to 'deflate' about 3 cysts on my right kidney and cauterize it so that another cyst more than likely won't grow back there. He would do the surgery laproscopically. There would be 4-5 TINY incisions and he would do the whole robotic/camera thing. He would lift my liver and do his thing. The surgery wouldn't last for more than about 3-4 hours, and I'd be in the hospital for about 2 days.
Last night, after church, Dr Veys called me....
He got 2nd and 3rd opinions from his urology coworkers/friends, one from Chattanooga even. After their discussions over the operating room xray viewer thing, they all came to the same conclusion: My case was a hard one and I needed to be cut open in order to get accomplished what they wanted.
What does that mean?
*longer surgery
*a 5inch incision in my abdomen
*longer time in the hospital
*longer time out of work recovering
I was quite overwhelmed honestly. Its almost like things just got serious. And REAL. It means so much to me that my Dr wants to investigate EVERYthing that he's doing. He isn't taking this surgery lightly and I don't think I need to either. I hate it when I'm on this side of the system. I always want to be the one helping, not the one being helped. I want to be the one who cares for you when you have surgery, not the other way around. I know that I get a blessing from being that person, so maybe the people helping and caring for me, and most importantly PRAYING for me....maybe they'll get as big a blessing as I do! :)
I'm a little bit scared still, but only because I don't know the steps involved and what EXACTLY Dr Veys is going to be doing.
But you know what I do know? I serve a mighty God and the Great Healer. Last night, with a tear-covered face, I got down beside my bed and prayed like I've never prayed before. At that moment, on J103, 'Arms that hold the universe' came on.
I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know
And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go
I mean...are you serious?? I have never felt so incredibly loved in my life. The amount of love God has for us, we will never ever be able to comprehend. I feel a slight fraction and my heart feels like it could explode! I know that there will be nothing but good to come out of this surgery and the future surgeries I have. He is so so good! I'm letting my light shine today! I may be facing a hard thing....but my Jesus died on that Cross for my life. He's getting ALL the glory! Filled with the Holy Spirit, I'll go into that operating room singing loud, He is never letting me go!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Matthew 5:23-24
so. today. i did something i thought i would never do. in july 2010, an all-out war broke out between an old friend and her family and me. feelings were hurt. things just blew up and turned to ash. i left it all there. ash. i moved on (or so i thought) with my life. got new friends. a new church. an amazing boyfriend. something still stood in the way. the underlying problem was that i didn't do as God commands us to do...
God said no. He burdened me to the point of 'i have no other option'. and that stinks. i know God is ALWAYS right. i know that He always gets His way, too.
so. i did it. i sent an email. not one of accusation. not one of 'my feelings are hurt'. but one of 'please forgive me for leading you in the wrong direction'.
now i sit. now i wait. pride aside, i hope i'm forgiven. for my sake and for her's.
forgiveness...don't underestimate the power of it.
maybe she'll write back. but she might not.
We'll see.... :)
23-Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24-leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.so i prayed. and i prayed hard. rekindling that fire and all those bad feelings people have for you. its not really something i'd like to do. i wanted to just leave it. leave it all there. and never go back.
God said no. He burdened me to the point of 'i have no other option'. and that stinks. i know God is ALWAYS right. i know that He always gets His way, too.
so. i did it. i sent an email. not one of accusation. not one of 'my feelings are hurt'. but one of 'please forgive me for leading you in the wrong direction'.
now i sit. now i wait. pride aside, i hope i'm forgiven. for my sake and for her's.
forgiveness...don't underestimate the power of it.
maybe she'll write back. but she might not.
We'll see.... :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Grrrr...
I have such a heavy heart right now. Sometimes, I Can let things go. But not today.
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Friday, September 2, 2011
Alcohol. Gains contol of your life with every sip.
This week has truly been a mess if there ever was one!
Not really sure where to start...
My philosophy is this:: Neither of my friends were drinking and behind the wheel, but the impact of alcohol on each of their deaths will forever change the lives of so so many people. Family. Friends. Alcohol, in one way or another, has taken them away much too soon in such preventable deaths! That really breaks my heart.
Jeff Rogers said this, when I sent a prayer request for these families...
"So much heartbreak friend. You posted the verse of warning just the other day. It is a mocker and a deceiver. The lust of the flesh says take it, it will make you feel fun, charming, etc. Then it mocks and laughs at us, with every gulp that goes down, for it knows it's gaining more control of the wheel with every sip. I'm so sorry friend. He can work the bad to good. For His glory!"
Do you understand how powerful that is?? It really spoke to me. I've never thought about it like that. The verse I posted was Proverbs 20:1 (Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.) It's really powerful to fully comprehend that satan lives in alcohol, and drugs for that matter, and makes it so appealing to us: how we feel when we indulge in it, how pleasing it makes others we're around. But it fully does take complete control of your life, even if you don't realize it! And in the process, it hurts the hearts of you, your family, your friends. Not to mention, the physical hurts it causes you. And let's not forget about driving...chances of an accident multiply tremendously when alcohol is involved.
Get out. Bind satan from having that hold on your life. And simply don't be around it.
I pray for peace for these families and friends who were directly and indirectly effected by these tragedies. My heart truly breaks for them all!
Not really sure where to start...
- Tuesday, Emilio Barajas passed away. Tragic. I was told that he fell out of the car while going home after the Rome Braves game Monday night. Brain damage. So heartbreaking. He was way intoxicated, so the story goes. A baby girl don't have her dad.
- Thursday, Elizabeth Burchfield passed away. Again, Tragic. She was a passenger. The driver lost control of the car and Elizabeth was ejected from the vehicle. A young little boy and a younger little girl...both lost their mom.
My philosophy is this:: Neither of my friends were drinking and behind the wheel, but the impact of alcohol on each of their deaths will forever change the lives of so so many people. Family. Friends. Alcohol, in one way or another, has taken them away much too soon in such preventable deaths! That really breaks my heart.
Jeff Rogers said this, when I sent a prayer request for these families...
"So much heartbreak friend. You posted the verse of warning just the other day. It is a mocker and a deceiver. The lust of the flesh says take it, it will make you feel fun, charming, etc. Then it mocks and laughs at us, with every gulp that goes down, for it knows it's gaining more control of the wheel with every sip. I'm so sorry friend. He can work the bad to good. For His glory!"
Do you understand how powerful that is?? It really spoke to me. I've never thought about it like that. The verse I posted was Proverbs 20:1 (Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.) It's really powerful to fully comprehend that satan lives in alcohol, and drugs for that matter, and makes it so appealing to us: how we feel when we indulge in it, how pleasing it makes others we're around. But it fully does take complete control of your life, even if you don't realize it! And in the process, it hurts the hearts of you, your family, your friends. Not to mention, the physical hurts it causes you. And let's not forget about driving...chances of an accident multiply tremendously when alcohol is involved.
Get out. Bind satan from having that hold on your life. And simply don't be around it.
I pray for peace for these families and friends who were directly and indirectly effected by these tragedies. My heart truly breaks for them all!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Just plain Left Behind....
Lately it really feels like I've just been absolutely left behind. Left behind in everything. I have to leave stuff here and go be with my family too, so I know that i'm not the only one in the world who feels like this. Its still hard. Really hard. Things start festering when I hold them all inside. People notice. They aren't stupid. It's like....while everyone else in this world is moving forward, I seem to be just taking 10 steps back. Not cool. Left behind.
So...on my way home from church tonight, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had just lost my best friend. I realized how super heavy my heart was from just not being able to get stuff out. :/ Awful. As I was getting off the interstate, "Enough" by Barlow Girl came on. HE'S enough for me!!!! HE'S all I need. As soon as I heard it, tears exploded out of my eyes! It's hard to comprehend sometimes, but I know that people here are human. But no matter what time it is, or what I have to just get off my chest, HE'S the only one I can go to with comfort, He'll never tell a soul. In turn, I get the answers I NEED to hear, not the ones i want. HE'S ENOUGH. Period. :)
I suppose this really doesn't do a thing for my trust issue. ;) But, for now, and until I find another human being that I can confide completely and fully in, HE'S the ONLY One I'll go to. :)
I LOVE MUSIC. I love how it speaks to me. :)
So...on my way home from church tonight, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had just lost my best friend. I realized how super heavy my heart was from just not being able to get stuff out. :/ Awful. As I was getting off the interstate, "Enough" by Barlow Girl came on. HE'S enough for me!!!! HE'S all I need. As soon as I heard it, tears exploded out of my eyes! It's hard to comprehend sometimes, but I know that people here are human. But no matter what time it is, or what I have to just get off my chest, HE'S the only one I can go to with comfort, He'll never tell a soul. In turn, I get the answers I NEED to hear, not the ones i want. HE'S ENOUGH. Period. :)
I suppose this really doesn't do a thing for my trust issue. ;) But, for now, and until I find another human being that I can confide completely and fully in, HE'S the ONLY One I'll go to. :)
I LOVE MUSIC. I love how it speaks to me. :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Exhaustion.
its been a little while since i've written. :/ Busy life i suppose. This little note is just to serve as a reminder later on down the road of what my feelings were at this trying time. Mamaw is so sick. It all started right before Mother's Day. She was in the hospital and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She did get to come home, though, before Mother's Day. A lot of the family got to spend it with her at the house because she just wasn't able to make it up to the church. Since then she has had good days and bad days. Some were really good, some were really bad. For the past 3 weeks, though, she has really taken us all on such an extreme roller coaster. In the hospital for about 5-6 days, then out for less than 24 hours; back in the hospital. Oma and I went and stayed with her for a few days... July 24-26. She would have a day of sleep where nothing could wake her up. Nothing. Then the next day, she'd stay awake for all her meals and would eat a lot of it. So just when we all thought she was getting better, Friday July 29, she went back to the hospital. Her blood pressure and heart rate kept bottoming out. She couldn't talk. She kept reaching up and grabbing for things in the air that no one but her could see. When me and michelle and dora got up there Saturday night, she just wasn't good. Dora just sat on the side of the bed and cried. Mamaw just looked at her. I'm not sure if she even knew what was going on. So, the dr at the Scott County hospital released her to go home. There was nothing they were doing that couldn't be done at home. Medicine and keeping her from hurting. That's all they were doing. So off she went in an ambulance. And we headed for Ellijay. I called to check on them right after we got out of Knoxville. She was fine. Ate most of her dinner. Blood pressure was good, heart rate was good. When we got to Cleveland, Oma called. Mamaw was in failure. Fluid on her lungs. They called 911 and the ambulance took her and Jannie to the hospital. They wanted her to go to Oak Ridge. The nurses finally got her stabilized and sent her on. Now she's in Oak Ridge in the Cardiovascular Surgical Unit. They are doing tests and xrays trying to see what they can do for her.
My Prayer
Lord I ask right now that you break our hearts. Break our hearts and make our will for mamaw's life be gone! Your will is all that matters, Lord. I ask a special blessing on all the nurses and doctors assisting mamaw right now. Above everything else, i ask that You give her peace. And comfort. Help her understand Your Way when there's no understanding anything else, Lord. I pray for strength on Oma and Jannie. What love they have! Unconditional. Pure. I ask for grace Lord. Your Grace. Help me see, Lord, that there really is grace in every circumstance. It's hard, Lord. You know that. But I also know that when you're tired, you're tired. Maybe mamaw is still here because it's not her time yet! She'll go when YOU say she will Lord. I ask for You to show me Lord where and what YOU would have me to do. :) I love you Lord.
My Prayer
Lord I ask right now that you break our hearts. Break our hearts and make our will for mamaw's life be gone! Your will is all that matters, Lord. I ask a special blessing on all the nurses and doctors assisting mamaw right now. Above everything else, i ask that You give her peace. And comfort. Help her understand Your Way when there's no understanding anything else, Lord. I pray for strength on Oma and Jannie. What love they have! Unconditional. Pure. I ask for grace Lord. Your Grace. Help me see, Lord, that there really is grace in every circumstance. It's hard, Lord. You know that. But I also know that when you're tired, you're tired. Maybe mamaw is still here because it's not her time yet! She'll go when YOU say she will Lord. I ask for You to show me Lord where and what YOU would have me to do. :) I love you Lord.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Broken Hallelujah
Mamaw is sick. She can't breathe. Her blood pressure is super low; her heart rate is super high. She has fluid on her lungs. That just means that her heart can't beat like it's supposed to. Which, in turn, means her blood can't deliver oxygen to her brain like it needs to. I've heard that she didn't know who nana was when she called Sunday morning. She was put in ICU.... which is extremely scary in itself. She's now in a regular room with the same amount of threat. She was so much better when she had people around her. I would be too, honestly. I'm still super stressed about this all.
I think the worst part of this is the fact that i don't know. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the doctors are saying. I don't know how mamaw is. I just don't know.
And what I do know scares me. I know that she's been crying. I know that she misses my papaw. I know that she's saying that she's just waiting for him to come get her to take her home. I know that there are people up there who are really not good at anything other than getting in the way. I know that my other aunts are upset, scared, worried, stressed. It's hard.
But in this all, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I am so very loved. We have so many people praying and praying hard for mamaw and for my whole family. Talk about a blessing!
I think the worst part of this is the fact that i don't know. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the doctors are saying. I don't know how mamaw is. I just don't know.
And what I do know scares me. I know that she's been crying. I know that she misses my papaw. I know that she's saying that she's just waiting for him to come get her to take her home. I know that there are people up there who are really not good at anything other than getting in the way. I know that my other aunts are upset, scared, worried, stressed. It's hard.
But in this all, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I am so very loved. We have so many people praying and praying hard for mamaw and for my whole family. Talk about a blessing!
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Friday, April 8, 2011
Bring The Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
It's ok to be broken, When you allow God to put you back together
Whew!! Its been a rough week and a half for me.
- My car breaks down on the interstate. Turns out, my timing belt broke. All in all, it's gonna be about $1000 to get it fixed. This means, of course, that my aunt has to bring me to work and we both have to get up at like 4 am. I'm not so thrilled about that.
- I leave my phone charger at church last Wednesday... and my battery lasts a whole 5 hours anyway. Not happy about that.
I'll start where i know best: Complaining about the things I can't control.
I hate hate hate when I don't have control over certain things. Not that I need to have control, just that I'm super independent. I don't like the fact that I have to rely on someone, no matter who it is or how much they want to do it for me, to take me to work or come get me for church, or anything like that! I want to do it all myself. So I've had a little bit of a rough time. No car. No phone.
Why have I had a rough time? Just when I needed a friend or someone to talk to, I couldn't. I had a rough weekend. I was having a hard time dealing with life. I was missing my mom. A lot. And I didn't have a friend to talk to. I feel like that's when I needed someone... and I just couldn't reach out. So here I was. Not knowing what to do with all my feelings. There have been people contact me for the first time since she passed away. People who she worked with or what ever. I'm still not completely sure. Kent McMillan, Roger Locke. And a few others. God has a way of giving us just what we need right when we need it. There's a reason they are contacting me now. This is when i've really had the opportunity to really deal with the death and the pain and the withdrawal I've had. And it sure does help me to know how other people saw my mother. I didn't know her like they did. We didn't have that close relationship. She was my mom; I was her daughter. We fought. We argued. They were friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I love hearing and understanding that she was just how I am. Or how much Michelle acts like her. And how I walk just like her. It truly means a lot! And I didn't have that best friend to go to and tell. So I went to God. :)
Sometimes that's hard. Just going to God. And not trying to sort out all my feelings for myself (which is impossible... its a big jumbled mess).
- My car breaks down on the interstate. Turns out, my timing belt broke. All in all, it's gonna be about $1000 to get it fixed. This means, of course, that my aunt has to bring me to work and we both have to get up at like 4 am. I'm not so thrilled about that.
- I leave my phone charger at church last Wednesday... and my battery lasts a whole 5 hours anyway. Not happy about that.
I'll start where i know best: Complaining about the things I can't control.
I hate hate hate when I don't have control over certain things. Not that I need to have control, just that I'm super independent. I don't like the fact that I have to rely on someone, no matter who it is or how much they want to do it for me, to take me to work or come get me for church, or anything like that! I want to do it all myself. So I've had a little bit of a rough time. No car. No phone.
Why have I had a rough time? Just when I needed a friend or someone to talk to, I couldn't. I had a rough weekend. I was having a hard time dealing with life. I was missing my mom. A lot. And I didn't have a friend to talk to. I feel like that's when I needed someone... and I just couldn't reach out. So here I was. Not knowing what to do with all my feelings. There have been people contact me for the first time since she passed away. People who she worked with or what ever. I'm still not completely sure. Kent McMillan, Roger Locke. And a few others. God has a way of giving us just what we need right when we need it. There's a reason they are contacting me now. This is when i've really had the opportunity to really deal with the death and the pain and the withdrawal I've had. And it sure does help me to know how other people saw my mother. I didn't know her like they did. We didn't have that close relationship. She was my mom; I was her daughter. We fought. We argued. They were friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I love hearing and understanding that she was just how I am. Or how much Michelle acts like her. And how I walk just like her. It truly means a lot! And I didn't have that best friend to go to and tell. So I went to God. :)
Sometimes that's hard. Just going to God. And not trying to sort out all my feelings for myself (which is impossible... its a big jumbled mess).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night, Tiffany came to pick me up for small group. I'll admit that I was feeling a little/ a lot down and it was a struggle for me to even say yes to her... and go. But I'm telling you! God has this way. I didn't want to go. He did. He wins! Always. Jessica told me that she knew my mom!!!!!!!!! Do you understand what a big deal that is!? Just more confirmation, as if I needed anything else to help me understand, that Christ puts you in the path of other people for both your sakes. :) I can't tell you how over-joyed I am right now!!!
so...i say all of that to say this:
so...i say all of that to say this:
- No matter what person, no matter how close they are, lets you down on YOUR OWN TERMS, there's a reason for it...and God comes through in a big big way to show us that HE is the one we have to hold closer than anyone else in this world!
- I'm not the only person who misses my mom. She was such an amazing person in so many people's eyes and I just hope that I am able to let her memory live on through me!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
This is when things get hard....
It's been 12 years.
Well tomorrow will make that long.
Without my mommy.
Well tomorrow will make that long.
Without my mommy.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
memories of dad ♥
I remember one time...I suppose I was in 6th grade....
My first 'real' kiss ever was that summer on my front porch by a boy named Keith. And of course, my sister saw it all! She freaked out on me. Uncool. That weekend, we went to Dayton to stay with my dad and his girlfriend Sandy. Of course, being the little tattling sister...she told him.
He freaked out! I am his baby girl! No boy should be kissing me! :)
Saturday mornings. Cartoons. Fruity Pebbles.
My first 'real' kiss ever was that summer on my front porch by a boy named Keith. And of course, my sister saw it all! She freaked out on me. Uncool. That weekend, we went to Dayton to stay with my dad and his girlfriend Sandy. Of course, being the little tattling sister...she told him.
He freaked out! I am his baby girl! No boy should be kissing me! :)
Saturday mornings. Cartoons. Fruity Pebbles.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
food for thought....
I just think it is amazing how, when you aren't close to God and don't really care to do things His way, there are guys everywhere...literally. Guys who are never going to care about you. Guys who have no respect for you or for themselves.
And then...when you decide that God's way is THE way...and when being 100% pure until you marry and have a family...all those guys scatter.
Do you know how HARD it is to find someone who could care less about having sex? :)
Just sayin.......
I'm glad my best friend is my best friend. Couldn't make it without him. :)
And then...when you decide that God's way is THE way...and when being 100% pure until you marry and have a family...all those guys scatter.
Do you know how HARD it is to find someone who could care less about having sex? :)
Just sayin.......
I'm glad my best friend is my best friend. Couldn't make it without him. :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
4am
WARNING:: The following are pretty scattered. I'm just typing as they come to my head! I have a million things swimming around in there and the cluttered mess just has to come out! :)
Sometimes when your heart is overwhelmed and you just don't know what to do.... you do just that. Nothing. You end up going in circles and passing all the familiar things you've been used to. I'm done. I've come to the breaking point. Walls have to come down. Certain people have to be trusted. God has to be heard!
Last week at Rock Bridge, we talked about faith pirates (pt 4). We have a tendency to hear the world yelling at us and we are just unable to hear God's whisper.
I haven't been sleeping well at all for maybe the past 3 weeks or so. I'm so tired. I'm sleepy. I dream bad dreams when I do actually sleep. I went to the doctor and he gave me a few samples of AmbienCR. Doesn't seem to be working. I still wake up super early. It would just be so frustrating. I didn't know why...until now!!! And THAT is the most exciting part!!!!
Small group on Monday night::
We broke into groups of 4 (Tiffney, Matt, me, and Julia) and had our prayer time. Matt asked us what we feel like, at this point in our lives, was our 'faith pirate'...what do we deal with that robs our faith. I thought about it. Every time the ugly monster of death rears its teeth, it seems like it just sets me back a few steps. So that's what I picked. It isn't that I blame God. It isn't that I'm upset about it. I suppose its just that I don't know what happens. I know, I know. Nobody knows what happens when you die. Not the pain, not the visions. Nothing.
I just realized that night just how much death and loss and suffering and emptiness consumes my life. I'm no psychiatrist...but I'm gonna say that's not very good. I used to be one who carries myself like things don't bother me. Good or bad. I'm really dealing with that right now.
But back to the story...
So for the past 2 nights, I was woke up by some odd dream I was having about me eating something. Strange, I know. But at 4am, there I was wide awake. Never did I think to read my bible. Or even talk to God. I just laid there...frustrated. This morning was different. I just had the feeling that everything does happen for a reason. My head was turning, flipping, and flopping. I just got my phone, and turned on my Bible app. :) It's still a mystery to me how the screen said Romans 8 (as the last place I looked was Job), so I just started reading.
I don't think anything else needs to be said after that.
I just love love love how when I'm at my lowest point and the only thing I have is desperation...He shows up in a big big way. And it's then when I realize that if I had never have let myself get in the way of that, He would always be with me in a big, big way.
I'm on the right track. He wants my walls down so He can heal me...from the inside out. He wants peace for me. He wants to love on me. All I have to do is let Him.
Sometimes when your heart is overwhelmed and you just don't know what to do.... you do just that. Nothing. You end up going in circles and passing all the familiar things you've been used to. I'm done. I've come to the breaking point. Walls have to come down. Certain people have to be trusted. God has to be heard!
Last week at Rock Bridge, we talked about faith pirates (pt 4). We have a tendency to hear the world yelling at us and we are just unable to hear God's whisper.
I haven't been sleeping well at all for maybe the past 3 weeks or so. I'm so tired. I'm sleepy. I dream bad dreams when I do actually sleep. I went to the doctor and he gave me a few samples of AmbienCR. Doesn't seem to be working. I still wake up super early. It would just be so frustrating. I didn't know why...until now!!! And THAT is the most exciting part!!!!
Small group on Monday night::
We broke into groups of 4 (Tiffney, Matt, me, and Julia) and had our prayer time. Matt asked us what we feel like, at this point in our lives, was our 'faith pirate'...what do we deal with that robs our faith. I thought about it. Every time the ugly monster of death rears its teeth, it seems like it just sets me back a few steps. So that's what I picked. It isn't that I blame God. It isn't that I'm upset about it. I suppose its just that I don't know what happens. I know, I know. Nobody knows what happens when you die. Not the pain, not the visions. Nothing.
I just realized that night just how much death and loss and suffering and emptiness consumes my life. I'm no psychiatrist...but I'm gonna say that's not very good. I used to be one who carries myself like things don't bother me. Good or bad. I'm really dealing with that right now.
But back to the story...
So for the past 2 nights, I was woke up by some odd dream I was having about me eating something. Strange, I know. But at 4am, there I was wide awake. Never did I think to read my bible. Or even talk to God. I just laid there...frustrated. This morning was different. I just had the feeling that everything does happen for a reason. My head was turning, flipping, and flopping. I just got my phone, and turned on my Bible app. :) It's still a mystery to me how the screen said Romans 8 (as the last place I looked was Job), so I just started reading.
Romans 8:1, 18-19, 36-39 NIV
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I don't think anything else needs to be said after that.
I just love love love how when I'm at my lowest point and the only thing I have is desperation...He shows up in a big big way. And it's then when I realize that if I had never have let myself get in the way of that, He would always be with me in a big, big way.
I'm on the right track. He wants my walls down so He can heal me...from the inside out. He wants peace for me. He wants to love on me. All I have to do is let Him.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Wrong Side Of The Heart.
What is a testimony??
Evidently, some people have a different view than I do of what your testimony is...and even what it means to have one. Google says: A declaration of the spiritual truths one knows to be true, through the witness of the Holy Ghost. Ok. That's a good one. :) A testimony, to me, is just that: what we know to be true. I know that Jesus Christ died on that hill as a sacrifice for me and my sins. I know that. I believe that. And that one statement is what allows me to live my life. Period.
So...why is it that some people think that their entire testimony comes when some tragic event happens? I don't understand what is missing. Bad, tragic things happen to us because satan doesn't want God to have the glory in it...and they all come from satan. He doesn't want us to live our lives praising Christ! And when that awful, bad, tragic things happen, I'm not gonna lie, its hard to praise and magnify Him! But the concept that God GIVES us those bad things to make us go through something horrible just to be close to Him...could just possibly be the dumbest thing I have ever heard!!!!
Now...I will say this. I believe with my whole heart that God does allow us to experience those bad things. He doesn't have to, but He does. But its all for the greater good. I know that every single thing that is the farthest away from "good" that has happened to me in my life has, in fact, brought me closer to God. All of those events give me reassurance that God is who He says He is. That faith makes me a witness...a disciple...a Christ follower...a bible-reader...a lover. And when I tell people about what Christ does for me...and what He has done for me during my entire life...I choose to include some of those bad things. They have shaped my heart into who I am because I fully relied on Christ to help me.
The Cross is Enough! Do you not understand what Jesus did for us!? The pain and the suffering he endured for us... willingly! I don't deserve crap! But everything He gives, I gladly except. Good or bad.
But when I hear, "God gave all these bad things so that I could have a Testimony"... It's almost like saying that God didn't think much of you our your faith so he decided to slap you in the face with trauma! Couldn't be farther from the truth!
You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you....you PRAY for the strength to endure them... and look only God to help you get through. You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you so that you can be a light to others.
For me, the greatest testimony is one that is told by actions, with an over flowing of grace and love and joy from their heart..... NOT told by bad things you may, or may not, have to get through...but expresses the GLORY of Christ!
The Cross is Enough for Me!
Evidently, some people have a different view than I do of what your testimony is...and even what it means to have one. Google says: A declaration of the spiritual truths one knows to be true, through the witness of the Holy Ghost. Ok. That's a good one. :) A testimony, to me, is just that: what we know to be true. I know that Jesus Christ died on that hill as a sacrifice for me and my sins. I know that. I believe that. And that one statement is what allows me to live my life. Period.
So...why is it that some people think that their entire testimony comes when some tragic event happens? I don't understand what is missing. Bad, tragic things happen to us because satan doesn't want God to have the glory in it...and they all come from satan. He doesn't want us to live our lives praising Christ! And when that awful, bad, tragic things happen, I'm not gonna lie, its hard to praise and magnify Him! But the concept that God GIVES us those bad things to make us go through something horrible just to be close to Him...could just possibly be the dumbest thing I have ever heard!!!!
Now...I will say this. I believe with my whole heart that God does allow us to experience those bad things. He doesn't have to, but He does. But its all for the greater good. I know that every single thing that is the farthest away from "good" that has happened to me in my life has, in fact, brought me closer to God. All of those events give me reassurance that God is who He says He is. That faith makes me a witness...a disciple...a Christ follower...a bible-reader...a lover. And when I tell people about what Christ does for me...and what He has done for me during my entire life...I choose to include some of those bad things. They have shaped my heart into who I am because I fully relied on Christ to help me.
The Cross is Enough! Do you not understand what Jesus did for us!? The pain and the suffering he endured for us... willingly! I don't deserve crap! But everything He gives, I gladly except. Good or bad.
But when I hear, "God gave all these bad things so that I could have a Testimony"... It's almost like saying that God didn't think much of you our your faith so he decided to slap you in the face with trauma! Couldn't be farther from the truth!
You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you....you PRAY for the strength to endure them... and look only God to help you get through. You don't PRAY for bad things to happen to you so that you can be a light to others.
For me, the greatest testimony is one that is told by actions, with an over flowing of grace and love and joy from their heart..... NOT told by bad things you may, or may not, have to get through...but expresses the GLORY of Christ!
The Cross is Enough for Me!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sometimes we just never know....
So...every once in a while...death comes and knocks on the door. Not in my own life...but in the lives of those around me. Early Saturday morning, Christopher Acree passed away.
Death.
We all have to experience it. That is one thing we aren't spared from. Its the one thing that we, as humans, know absolutely nothing about. It's scary.
The story goes: He was at the 5th Quarter and couldn't drive home. Someone called him a cab, but when he got to his grandparents house, he couldn't get in because someone had his keys. So his plans were to just climb into a window. He somehow fell off the ledge. His grandpa found him early Saturday morning.I'm just not sure what to think at this point. Do I think about all the ways this could have been prevented? Do I think of all the missed opportunities I had throughout the years to witness to him? Do I think of what he went through, if anything, when he was taking that last breath?
Death.
We all have to experience it. That is one thing we aren't spared from. Its the one thing that we, as humans, know absolutely nothing about. It's scary.
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