A Broken Hallelujah

Mamaw is sick. She can't breathe. Her blood pressure is super low; her heart rate is super high. She has fluid on her lungs. That just means that her heart can't beat like it's supposed to. Which, in turn, means her blood can't deliver oxygen to her brain like it needs to. I've heard that she didn't know who nana was when she called Sunday morning. She was put in ICU.... which is extremely scary in itself. She's now in a regular room with the same amount of threat. She was so much better when she had people around her. I would be too, honestly. I'm still super stressed about this all.

I think the worst part of this is the fact that i don't know. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the doctors are saying. I don't know how mamaw is. I just don't know.

And what I do know scares me. I know that she's been crying. I know that she misses my papaw. I know that she's saying that she's just waiting for him to come get her to take her home. I know that there are people up there who are really not good at anything other than getting in the way. I know that my other aunts are upset, scared, worried, stressed. It's hard.

But in this all, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I am so very loved. We have so many people praying and praying hard for mamaw and for my whole family.  Talk about a blessing!

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful, the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Bring The Rain

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

It's ok to be broken, When you allow God to put you back together

Whew!! Its been a rough week and a half for me.
- My car breaks down on the interstate. Turns out, my timing belt broke. All in all, it's gonna be about $1000 to get it fixed. This means, of course, that my aunt has to bring me to work and we both have to get up at like 4 am. I'm not so thrilled about that.
- I leave my phone charger at church last Wednesday... and my battery lasts a whole 5 hours anyway. Not happy about that.

I'll start where i know best: Complaining about the things I can't control.
I hate hate hate when I don't have control over certain things. Not that I need to have control, just that I'm super independent. I don't like the fact that I have to rely on someone, no matter who it is or how much they want to do it for me, to take me to work or come get me for church, or anything like that! I want to do it all myself.  So I've had a little bit of a rough time. No car. No phone.

Why have I had a rough time? Just when I needed a friend or someone to talk to, I couldn't. I had a rough weekend. I was having a hard time dealing with life. I was missing my mom. A lot. And I didn't have a friend to talk to. I feel like that's when I needed someone... and I just couldn't reach out. So here I was. Not knowing what to do with all my feelings. There have been people contact me for the first time since she passed away. People who she worked with or what ever. I'm still not completely sure. Kent McMillan, Roger Locke. And a few others. God has a way of giving us just what we need right when we need it. There's a reason they are contacting me now. This is when i've really had the opportunity to really deal with the death and the pain and the withdrawal I've had. And it sure does help me to know how other people saw my mother. I didn't know her like they did. We didn't have that close relationship. She was my mom; I was her daughter. We fought. We argued. They were friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I love hearing and understanding that she was just how I am. Or how much Michelle acts like her. And how I walk just like her. It truly means a lot! And I didn't have that best friend to go to and tell. So I went to God. :)

Sometimes that's hard. Just going to God. And not trying to sort out all my feelings for myself (which is impossible... its a big jumbled mess).

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Last night, Tiffany came to pick me up for small group. I'll admit that I was feeling a little/ a lot down and it was a struggle for me to even say yes to her... and go. But I'm telling you! God has this way. I didn't want to go. He did. He wins! Always. Jessica told me that she knew my mom!!!!!!!!! Do you understand what a big deal that is!? Just more confirmation, as if I needed anything else to help me understand, that Christ puts you in the path of other people for both your sakes. :)  I can't tell you how over-joyed I am right now!!!


so...i say all of that to say this:

• No matter what person, no matter how close they are, lets you down on YOUR OWN TERMS, there's a reason for it...and God comes through in a big big way to show us that HE is the one we have to hold closer than anyone else in this world!
• I'm not the only person who misses my mom. She was such an amazing person in so many people's eyes and I just hope that I am able to let her memory live on through me!

This is when things get hard....

It's been 12 years.
Well tomorrow will make that long.
Without my mommy.

memories of dad ♥

I remember one time...I suppose I was in 6th grade....
My first 'real' kiss ever was that summer on my front porch by a boy named Keith. And of course, my sister saw it all! She freaked out on me. Uncool. That weekend, we went to Dayton to stay with my dad and his girlfriend Sandy. Of course, being the little tattling sister...she told him.
He freaked out! I am his baby girl! No boy should be kissing me! :)

Saturday mornings. Cartoons. Fruity Pebbles.

food for thought....

I just think it is amazing how, when you aren't close to God and don't really care to do things His way, there are guys everywhere...literally. Guys who are never going to care about you. Guys who have no respect for you or for themselves.

And then...when you decide that God's way is THE way...and when being 100% pure until you marry and have a family...all those guys scatter.

Do you know how HARD it is to find someone who could care less about having sex? :)
Just sayin.......

I'm glad my best friend is my best friend. Couldn't make it without him. :)

4am

WARNING::  The following are pretty scattered. I'm just typing as they come to my head! I have a million things swimming around in there and the cluttered mess just has to come out! :)

Sometimes when your heart is overwhelmed and you just don't know what to do.... you do just that. Nothing. You end up going in circles and passing all the familiar things you've been used to. I'm done. I've come to the breaking point. Walls have to come down. Certain people have to be trusted. God has to be heard!

Last week at Rock Bridge, we talked about faith pirates (pt 4). We have a tendency to hear the world yelling at us and we are just unable to hear God's whisper.

I haven't been sleeping well at all for maybe the past 3 weeks or so. I'm so tired. I'm sleepy. I dream bad dreams when I do actually sleep. I went to the doctor and he gave me a few samples of AmbienCR. Doesn't seem to be working. I still wake up super early. It would just be so frustrating. I didn't know why...until now!!! And THAT is the most exciting part!!!!

Small group on Monday night::
We broke into groups of 4 (Tiffney, Matt, me, and Julia) and had our prayer time. Matt asked us what we feel like, at this point in our lives, was our 'faith pirate'...what do we deal with that robs our faith. I thought about it. Every time the ugly monster of death rears its teeth, it seems like it just sets me back a few steps. So that's what I picked. It isn't that I blame God. It isn't that I'm upset about it. I suppose its just that I don't know what happens. I know, I know. Nobody knows what happens when you die. Not the pain, not the visions. Nothing.

I just realized that night just how much death and loss and suffering and emptiness consumes my life. I'm no psychiatrist...but I'm gonna say that's not very good. I used to be one who carries myself like things don't bother me. Good or bad. I'm really dealing with that right now.

But back to the story...

So for the past 2 nights, I was woke up by some odd dream I was having about me eating something.  Strange, I know. But at 4am, there I was wide awake. Never did I think to read my bible. Or even talk to God. I just laid there...frustrated. This morning was different. I just had the feeling that everything does happen for a reason. My head was turning, flipping, and flopping. I just got my phone, and turned on my Bible app. :)  It's still a mystery to me how the screen said Romans 8 (as the last place I looked was Job), so I just started reading.

Romans 8:1, 18-19, 36-39 NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 I don't think anything else needs to be said after that.
I just love love love how when I'm at my lowest point and the only thing I have is desperation...He shows up in a big big way. And it's then when I realize that if I had never have let myself get in the way of that, He would always be with me in a big, big way.

I'm on the right track. He wants my walls down so He can heal me...from the inside out. He wants peace for me. He wants to love on me. All I have to do is let Him.