Torn ^o^

I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.

I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.

So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.

Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.

Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.

I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!

For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!

Psalm 103:1-3

 ¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,

My God Reigns! Especially When I'm scared!

Just the word 'surgery' scares me. I went to Dr Richmond, my kidney dr, and had a great check up. He checks everything from head to toe. the only comment he made was that he didn't like how my right kidney felt....

Now, let me explain something. I have Polycycstic Kidney Disease (PKD). My mom had it so I won when it was time for her to pass that along genetically. I was diagnosed when I was 19, while most patients aren't diagnosed until their 30s or 40s. So my case evidently advanced early on. Yay. Normally, this disease only causes cysts to grow and we're more prone to Kidney infections and that eventually cause some bladder, or UTI, infections. So those were something easy to deal with. Your kidneys are also quite enlarged. ( you can read about it here if you'd like)  Normal kidneys are somewhere along the lines of 9cm. Mine are17 and 19cm. So they're big. And I have some quite large cysts. Sometimes they burst; I don't feel all the time, but that's where most of my kidney infections come from.

Noting the size of my kidneys, I have an emmense amount of pressure in my back and my sides. (The fact that I've gained weight doesn't help, I'm sure.) In July, Dr Veys, my surgeon, sent me to a radiologist for a cyst aspiration (draining the fluid off a larger cyst) to see if that would relieve the pain. Now, it did, but that is not any sort of permanent thing as the cysts will eventually fill back up, whether it takes days, months, or even a year. It helped for about a month or so, and I was back to taking about 10 hydrocodones a week, which in my opinion is unacceptable.

...so now, here we are.
Dr Veys explained to me the risks of surgery:
*bleeding
*there's a chance that it wouldn't even help
*scar tissure would cause complications in later surgeries.
He also told me that since the aspiration in July didn't help, this more than likely would.
So the plan was to do the surgery to 'deflate' about 3 cysts on my right kidney and cauterize it so that another cyst more than likely won't grow back there. He would do the surgery laproscopically. There would be 4-5 TINY incisions and he would do the whole robotic/camera thing. He would lift my liver and do his thing. The surgery wouldn't last for more than about 3-4 hours, and I'd be in the hospital for about 2 days.

Last night, after church, Dr Veys called me....
He got 2nd and 3rd opinions from his urology coworkers/friends, one from Chattanooga even. After their discussions over the operating room xray viewer thing, they all came to the same conclusion: My case was a hard one and I needed to be cut open in order to get accomplished what they wanted.
What does that mean?
*longer surgery
*a 5inch incision in my abdomen
*longer time in the hospital
*longer time out of work recovering

I was quite overwhelmed honestly. Its almost like things just got serious. And REAL. It means so much to me that my Dr wants to investigate EVERYthing that he's doing. He isn't taking this surgery lightly and I don't think I need to either. I hate it when I'm on this side of the system. I always want to be the one helping, not the one being helped. I want to be the one who cares for you when you have surgery, not the other way around. I know that I get a blessing from being that person, so maybe the people helping and caring for me, and most importantly PRAYING for me....maybe they'll get as big a blessing as I do! :)

I'm a little bit scared still, but only because I don't know the steps involved and what EXACTLY Dr Veys is going to be doing.

But you know what I do know? I serve a mighty God and the Great Healer. Last night, with a tear-covered face, I got down beside my bed and prayed like I've never prayed before. At that moment, on J103, 'Arms that hold the universe' came on.

I know it seems

Like this could be

The darkest day you've known

But believe you me

The God of strength

Will never let you go

He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

I mean...are you serious?? I have never felt so incredibly loved in my life. The amount of love God has for us, we will never ever be able to comprehend. I feel a slight fraction and my heart feels like it could explode! I know that there will be nothing but good to come out of this surgery and the future surgeries I have. He is so so good! I'm letting my light shine today! I may be facing a hard thing....but my Jesus died on that Cross for my life. He's getting ALL the glory! Filled with the Holy Spirit, I'll go into that operating room singing loud, He is never letting me go!

Matthew 5:23-24

so. today. i did something i thought i would never do. in july 2010, an all-out war broke out between an old friend and her family and me. feelings were hurt. things just blew up and turned to ash. i left it all there. ash. i moved on (or so i thought) with my life. got new friends. a new church. an amazing boyfriend. something still stood in the way. the underlying problem was that i didn't do as God commands us to do...

23-Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24-leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

so i prayed. and i prayed hard. rekindling that fire and all those bad feelings people have for you. its not really something i'd like to do. i wanted to just leave it. leave it all there. and never go back.

God said no. He burdened me to the point of 'i have no other option'. and that stinks. i know God is ALWAYS right. i know that He always gets His way, too.

so. i did it. i sent an email. not one of accusation. not one of 'my feelings are hurt'. but one of 'please forgive me for leading you in the wrong direction'.

now i sit. now i wait. pride aside, i hope i'm forgiven. for my sake and for her's.
forgiveness...don't underestimate the power of it.

maybe she'll write back. but she might not.

We'll see....  :)

Grrrr...

I have such a heavy heart right now. Sometimes, I Can let things go. But not today.

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Alcohol. Gains contol of your life with every sip.

This week has truly been a mess if there ever was one!
Not really sure where to start...

• Tuesday, Emilio Barajas passed away. Tragic. I was told that he fell out of the car while going home after the Rome Braves game Monday night. Brain damage. So heartbreaking. He was way intoxicated, so the story goes. A baby girl don't have her dad.
• Thursday, Elizabeth Burchfield passed away. Again, Tragic. She was a passenger. The driver lost control of the car and Elizabeth was ejected from the vehicle. A young little boy and a younger little girl...both lost their mom.

I know that it shouldn't take tragedy to open up eyes of the blind....but it has. I, like a lot of people my age, have partied and drank, etc. I am also guilty of 'buzzed driving'. I'm equally guilty of driving when I, and everyone around me, knew better than to let me have those keys. I would talk on the phone the whole way home. Not cool. Or head to Waffle House, "food will just absorb that alcohol and I won't be drunk anymore". kinda thinking. Wrong.

My philosophy is this:: Neither of my friends were drinking and behind the wheel, but the impact of alcohol on each of their deaths will forever change the lives of so so many people. Family. Friends. Alcohol, in one way or another, has taken them away much too soon in such preventable deaths! That really breaks my heart.

Jeff Rogers said this, when I sent a prayer request for these families...
   "So much heartbreak friend. You posted the verse of warning just the other day. It is a mocker and a deceiver. The lust of the flesh says take it, it will make you feel fun, charming, etc. Then it mocks and laughs at us, with every gulp that goes down, for it knows it's gaining more control of the wheel with every sip. I'm so sorry friend. He can work the bad to good. For His glory!"
Do you understand how powerful that is?? It really spoke to me. I've never thought about it like that. The verse I posted was Proverbs 20:1  (Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.) It's really powerful to fully comprehend that satan lives in alcohol, and drugs for that matter, and makes it so appealing to us: how we feel when we indulge in it, how pleasing it makes others we're around. But it fully does take complete control of your life, even if you don't realize it! And in the process, it hurts the hearts of you, your family, your friends. Not to mention, the physical hurts it causes you. And let's not forget about driving...chances of an accident multiply tremendously when alcohol is involved.

Get out. Bind satan from having that hold on your life. And simply don't be around it.

I pray for peace for these families and friends who were directly and indirectly effected by these tragedies. My heart truly breaks for them all!

Just plain Left Behind....

Lately it really feels like I've just been absolutely left behind. Left behind in everything. I have to leave stuff here and go be with my family too, so I know that i'm not the only one in the world who feels like this.  Its still hard. Really hard. Things start festering when I hold them all inside. People notice. They aren't stupid. It's like....while everyone else in this world is moving forward, I seem to be just taking 10 steps back. Not cool. Left behind.

So...on my way home from church tonight, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had just lost my best friend. I realized how super heavy my heart was from just not being able to get stuff out. :/ Awful. As I was getting off the interstate, "Enough" by Barlow Girl came on. HE'S enough for me!!!! HE'S all I need. As soon as I heard it, tears exploded out of my eyes! It's hard to comprehend sometimes, but I know that people here are human. But no matter what time it is, or what I have to just get off my chest, HE'S the only one I can go to with comfort, He'll never tell a soul. In turn, I get the answers I NEED to hear, not the ones i want. HE'S ENOUGH. Period. :)

I suppose this really doesn't do a thing for my trust issue. ;) But, for now, and until I find another human being that I can confide completely and fully in, HE'S the ONLY One I'll go to. :)

I LOVE MUSIC. I love how it speaks to me. :)

Exhaustion.

its been a little while since i've written. :/  Busy life i suppose. This little note is just to serve as a reminder later on down the road of what my feelings were at this trying time. Mamaw is so sick. It all started right before Mother's Day. She was in the hospital and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She did get to come home, though, before Mother's Day. A lot of the family got to spend it with her at the house because she just wasn't able to make it up to the church. Since then she has had good days and bad days. Some were really good, some were really bad. For the past 3 weeks, though, she has really taken us all on such an extreme roller coaster. In the hospital for about 5-6 days, then out for less than 24 hours; back in the hospital. Oma and I went and stayed with her for a few days... July 24-26. She would have a day of sleep where nothing could wake her up. Nothing. Then the next day, she'd stay awake for all her meals and would eat a lot of it. So just when we all thought she was getting better, Friday July 29, she went back to the hospital. Her blood pressure and heart rate kept bottoming out. She couldn't talk. She kept reaching up and grabbing for things in the air that no one but her could see. When me and michelle and dora got up there Saturday night, she just wasn't good. Dora just sat on the side of the bed and cried. Mamaw just looked at her. I'm not sure if she even knew what was going on. So, the dr at the Scott County hospital released her to go home. There was nothing they were doing that couldn't be done at home. Medicine and keeping her from hurting. That's all they were doing. So off she went in an ambulance. And we headed for Ellijay. I called to check on them right after we got out of Knoxville. She was fine. Ate most of her dinner. Blood pressure was good, heart rate was good. When we got to Cleveland, Oma called. Mamaw was in failure. Fluid on her lungs. They called 911 and the ambulance took her and Jannie to the hospital. They wanted her to go to Oak Ridge. The nurses finally got her stabilized and sent her on. Now she's in Oak Ridge in the Cardiovascular Surgical Unit. They are doing tests and xrays trying to see what they can do for her.

My Prayer
Lord I ask right now that you break our hearts. Break our hearts and make our will for mamaw's life be gone! Your will is all that matters, Lord. I ask a special blessing on all the nurses and doctors assisting mamaw right now. Above everything else, i ask that You give her peace. And comfort. Help her understand Your Way when there's no understanding anything else, Lord. I pray for strength on Oma and Jannie. What love they have! Unconditional. Pure.  I ask for grace Lord. Your Grace. Help me see, Lord, that there really is grace in every circumstance. It's hard, Lord. You know that. But I also know that when you're tired, you're tired. Maybe mamaw is still here because it's not her time yet! She'll go when YOU say she will Lord. I ask for You to show me Lord where and what YOU would have me to do. :) I love you Lord.