The Wife who Respects

I just have to tell you what my heart feels right now. I've never, and by 'never' i mean I've never had the childhood dream of looking like Cinderella walking down that aisle or never wanted to grow up and have a home with children running around like monkeys....anyhow, I've never wanted to be a wife. Never. It was just me. Me. I used to contribute that feeling to my home-life growing up. My parents were never married. Had two, might I say Beautiful children. :) They fought. My dad hit my mom. My mom fought back. Eventually my dad was sent off to jail for a little while, and my parents (they were together for so long that they had a common-law marriage) eventually got divorced. Then it was me, my sister, and my mom. That was life. And it worked. For a while.

I've gone into this "Real Marriage" series that Mars Hill Church is doing. My mind is officially BLOWN! I'm just going to put away all of my preconceived notion that marriage just doesn't work. It can! In Part4: The Respectful Wife, I am completely longing to be a wife! Encourager! I think the closer I get to God, the more I realize exactly what I've been perfectly created in His likeness. Whatever I am, He made me HIS masterpiece! Whoa! I want a husband. I want to love and respect and encourage and help and nurture and pray for and play with and walk with and and have and spend my life with a husband. A Godly husband. A husband who fears God. A husband who leads. A husband who studies his bible. A husband who wants the best for me.

There. I said it. I want a husband. God has completely changed my views of what my life will be like. Completely...inside out! And I'm so very grateful. I'm following. I'm serving. I'm growing.

I'm ready.

When Sadness Morphs....

I'm there. I'm stuck. I'm so sad. 'Sad' is one emotion that I wouldn't characterize myself as. I'm never sad. Truth is, I'm always sad. I just morph it into what emotions are necessary for any situation. My heart is so heavy with anger. I feel like it's misdirected to almost anyone. I don't cry when I'm sad. I cry when I don't know what to do with my emotional self. My recent sadness comes from my aunt passing away in the most dramatic way I have ever witnessed...and I really hope I never see anything like it again. But my anger also comes from that situation. I'm not angry at God...I'm angry because of the month or two or three that led up to her death. She's good. I'm not sad about that. I'm sad and angry about the way people treated her. I have an amazing model of unfailing, undying, compassionate, with-you-till-the-end kind of love. I guess not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have that though.

I'm sad. So I yell. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious. I'm hurt. I'm overwhelmed.

I've been through things...a lot of things...that I have never allowed myself to feel sad about. I have always made an excuse. Sadness has always been a 'weak' emotion. So I cover it with a 'strong' emotion...and get mad. But I'm just sad. I want my mom here to talk to me. I want to go fishing with my dad again. I want to hear my Papaw sit on the front porch and pick that banjo. I want more life lessons from Buddy. I want my Mamaw to teach me to quilt. I want my ex boyfriend to be my friend. I want my old friends to understand why I made some decisions I had to make. I want to cut Dora's hair again...and do her nails. I want my sister to be my best friend. I want to trust again. I want so much. And for all of that....sadness erupts in my soul.

I want Jesus to hold my heart. And let me feel His heartbeat.

Love...Sex...Dating...

This post could very well turn out scattered and unorganized. So is the days of our lives. =]]

I've been thinking lately about love and dating and marriage and all the rest of those other sappy stuff I've never taken too seriously. I'm pretty sure it's one of those 'it's a full moon because things are just getting too weird' kinda things. I think I go through seasons...and so does everyone else....where I want to be recognized. So I used to text people just so that they know I'm still alive and kicking even though they may not even care as much as what my name was. :) Lame. That's the girl I was about 2-3 years ago. I don't raise my hand to be acknowledged by anyone who doesn't want to acknowledge me, even though I still remain extremely approachable. :)

For maybe the past...3 weeks, yeah. 3 weeks. Things have just gotten plain weird. Some guys who used to be my 'friends' (and I'm using that word very lightly!) have somehow found mysterious ways (facebook) of contacting me. Out of the Blue. Random. "How have you been?"  "______ wants to be friends. Accept?"  Text messages in the dead of night, knowing that normal people sleep: "What are you doing?"  And this one guy, insists on calling me 'Sistah' and giving inspirational comments about how us gals should always hold on to our inner strength. =//  I'm not impressed. I mean...don't get me wrong. I love everyone. A lot. Maybe too much, if that's at all possible!(Which I don't think it is!) But I started getting discouraged a little because it almost felt like those 'positive' people in my life were somehow replaced by memories of a life not lived to love Christ.

Today, My amazing friend Jake sent me a link to a message series by Andy Stanley: "The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating". I'm telling you, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time! I know exactly where I stand as far as what I'm looking for in a partner. I have an imaginary list that God says is what a husband is supposed to be. So, knowing all of that, I made the decision to make a purity promise to Christ...until I got married. I got this pretty nifty ring that has the inscription "1Thes4:3-4". It's important. I'm so so so very glad that Jesus loves me enough to still accept me when we all know that I messed some things up. His amazing forgiveness....just blows me out of the water! But I'm pretty sure I've already let my thoughts on all that be known in a previous post... :)

I watched the first message of the 4 part series. I'm in awe. All this time, I was daydreaming up some husband  who is perfect on God's standard. I wasn't looking for him...but I was definitely only concentrating on who he would be. But...what about me? Who am I? Am I who my future husband would want? Would he pursue me because he views me as a 'Proverbs 31' perfect woman?  Am I the person the person I'm looking for is looking for?

So he went over the 1 Corinthians "Love Chapter" 13. I've heard it a million times. Love is patient, you know the rest. I know. I get it. But I always thought about it as the way I am supposed to love my 'husband'....not as the way I'm supposed to BE. So I started thinking....If I want my 'husband' to all of those things, and love me how Jesus wanted me to be loved, and to be patient and kind and considerate and not boasting and not dishonoring or disgraceful....That means that I need to be all of those things too! Whoa! 

So now that I'm settled in how my life should be while I 'wait' for my husband, I'm letting God work on my own personal life, attitude, priorities, heart, etc. 

I want to become someone worth catching and someone worth pursuing. I want to be ready...so that when it's time for me to be with my person that they see me as the person they are looking for.

‎"If you're single, what you're doing right now in terms of your dating life will follow you around. You're relational past will show up at the most inopportune times." -Andy Stanley.

I'm going to be watching the other 3 messages in this series. I have a feeling that this could end up being life changing. =]]

Friend with Benefits

I have always always thought of myself as having a lot of friends. Since I was a little girl, I always found myself surrounded by people! Always! There was definitely a point where my 'friends' meant more to me than my family did...in more ways than one!

a FRIEND is: a confidant, a companion, someone who wants to walk through the valleys with you, a lover, knows all the intimate details of your life,

Marriage is a relationship as a Husband/Wife and a friend; a lover and a friend.

Be friendly toward all, but only be friends with few! You may have a lot of relationships...but few friends!

Your first friend, other than Jesus, HAS to be your spouse!

F ruitful (Gen 1:28)
R eciprocal (you both have to work on your friendship)
I ntimate  (Adam KNEW Eve) (1 Cor 13:12)
E njoyable  (Ecc 9:7-9)
N eeded (Gen 2:18)
D evoted (Romans 12:15, Proverbs 17:17)
S anctified (Proverbs 13:20)

People don't fall out of love. They may fall out of repentance, but they don't fall out of love. That's another way of saying that God's a liar. He tells us we can even love our enemies. Don't follow your heart. Guard your heart. Love comes from God. Love doesn't begin with us; it begins with God. We can still love them with the love God gives us. We have access to the TRUE love. Your spouse is not your enemy, your spouse is your ally!

Friendship doubles the joy and cuts the grief in half!

3 Kinds of relationships: 
Back to back (battle, bitter, not happy, not friends)
Shoulder to shoulder (coworker, business partner, work at life; marriage is a lot of this...but not all of it.)
Face to Face (put down your phone, intimate, date nights, sacred moments; Bible's language of friendship)

Men and woman build their friendships differently:

• Men build their relationships shoulder-shoulder. 
• Women build their relationships face-face. 

The key here is for men to figure out what face-face looks like to their wives and for women to figure out what shoulder-shoulder looks like to their husbands.

3 Levels of Communication:

Facts (most of our conversations)

Opinions (as a relationship moves deeper...)

Feelings (rarely talked about)

Marriages that are face-face; they're enduring and endearing.
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Just had a little thought. People sometimes treat Jesus as the 'go-to guy' when something bad happens, or the 'i'll keep Him in my pocket in case i need Him' Man. If I found someone who values Jesus and who He is as the One True God, and he actually has a sincere relationship with Christ....I would think that would be how he treated his wife..... hmmm. Food for thought. I guess you could say this: A man will value his wife as much as he values Christ, but no more. So that will be how I know. Follow his devotion to God. That's how I will know my husband. :)

My Joy Switch Catch: Suffering

this series matt's doing at rock bridge is amazing. i mean...amazing. and just what i need. all the time. i've learned that the problem is mostly allowing people, anyone, the power of your switch. that's basically what it comes down to. i really have had a lot of 'practice' choosing to control my own joy switch and resting in that joy Christ gives me.... in every day relations, in relationships, at work, even in my own battling mind. Jesus has helped me overcome death way too many times, and helped me find that joy again. it kinda helps a little when your mind is blocked by just how bad things are, i guess. and that's how it has always been for me.

but what happens when i have a constant reminder every day of the suffering and pain and misery and hardships that one of my family members has to endure...every day...and it just gets worse and worse???

my aunt, dora, is wasting away. she has a disease. MSA. its killing her. every day, she dies a little more. some days are worse than others. "what's next?" is always in the front of my mind. 3 years ago, she was normal, taking care of people like a nurse does. she can't put her own clothes on. she cant get out of her chair by herself. its hard for her to eat. her hand-eye coordination is going more and more. her blood pressure stays super low. the ground moves under her feet. she falls. a lot. and hits her head. a lot. she aspirates on her food. its hard to swallow. she takes so much medicine. she has to go to speech therapy...its hard for her to talk. she shakes...like parkinson's. her bladder doesn't want to always work. she can't write. she fractured one of her hands in a fall she took a couple of weeks ago. she can't use her walker.

she turned 58 on january 18. that's not young. but if you knew how full of life my aunt dora was just a few years ago, you'd understand how dramatic it is for all the family.

i know that God is the Healer. i know that, while He may not be healing her physical body, He is preparing her for the rest of her journey. i know God works things out for His Purpose...for our good. i know that there is grace in everything.

but when i see it, in front of my eyes....


its. so. hard.

To Mingle? or Not to Mingle?

I'm a big ball of emotions right now and I just don't understand them. Not even in the least bit. There's anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety. I want to cry, you know, just to let them all out! But I have no tears. Better yet, I wouldn't even know what they were for! Haha! I just got back from seeing my therapist (I love our time together) and it looks like I've got a long road ahead of me in sorting out these emotions.

2011 was a milestone year in more ways than one! I've grown so much as a person, as a Christ follower. I've learned to stand up for myself and for my own well-being in work and church and personal relationships. When I see that something has the potential to not be healthy in any way for me, I develop this caution that I've never had before. When I'm threatened, I don't tuck myself back into my shell anymore. I've loved, I've lost. And I believe I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

It's hard to come off a streak like that! :) With strength comes opposition. Not just from other people, but also from within. I feel like I scare people off; guys, gals, coworkers, youth workers. Pretty much anyone. I'm not sure how everyone sees me, but I'm certain how some do. I'm intimidating. I'm confident. I love Jesus. I have wisdom. I know what I want.

I want a guy who loves Jesus...not only that, but who also follows Him. I want a guy who can bring something to the table; I don't want a relationship where it's all about me and what I like and what I did during the day and how I feel about things. I want him to have a hobby and have a passion about something other than being just like me. That's annoying. I want a guy who has an identity; in Christ and as a person. My therapist today told me that I would make such a great Minister's Wife. :o  What does that mean?? I'm ready to help. I'm ready to strengthen. I'm ready to serve. 

I want a youth group where there aren't cliques. I want the kids to love coming to church and to not be confused about the happenings of every week. I want youth leaders want to lead, and to love!

I want friends who love me as much as I love them. I don't want to be forgotten. I love going out and laughing about "Sanchez's" for hours for no reason. :) I want conversation.

What do I do to get all of these things?? Some of them, I have. And I'm so so so very grateful! God really does bring people together just at the right time for all the right reasons. It meas so much to me that God finds favor in me! And to know just how much He cares for me. Wow. It truly just sweeps me off my feet.

I'm ready to find my match. In every area of my life. So... other than prayer, How do I do it?

Emergency!!!

Whew. I sure did have a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I just had this pain. It's kind of hard to explain really...it just hurt. My kidney on the left side was mad at me or something. haha! Christmas was hard enough...and this was just the cherry on top. Deciding to just call my kidney dr on Monday, I just took medicine for pain (which I absolutely despise!).

Monday morning came and I was greeted by a woman from Nephrology's answering service. :/ Not cool. Come to find out, they are closed all week. Ok. So I call Dr Veys' office...closed. :/ Double not cool. The lady at the answering service told me that she wasn't calling Dr Newby, the on-call doc, unless it was an emergency... and hung up. So on top of hurting, now I'm just mad.

The only other option I had was a walk-in clinic. It's hard for me to go to one of those when I have kidney pain or any infection. I simply know more than they do about it, so they end up just sending me to the hospital. So I went to Hamilton Convenient Care. They closed 3 minutes before I got there. That's frustrating. The emergency room was my last option.

As soon as I walk into the door, I saw 2 women throwing up, and at least 25 people. Gross. So I filled out my papers. They called me into triage. My bp was up. Surprise. It's always up. Thank you, kidneys. :)  I went back and sat there with the people of sickness...expecting to be waiting for about2 hours because they literally had no rooms available. It took about 15 minutes in the waiting room when I heard my name. :) I felt a little bad because everyone in that waiting room stared at me because I came way after they did, but at the same time, they do take people by the seriousness of their illness. So I didn't mind too much!

My nurse, Steve C., was amazing!!!!! It took maybe 10 minutes for the Dr to come in to start me on some IV fluids and get some pain medicine in me. This was the very first time that the Dr and nurse actually listened to what I was saying and paying attention to how I was feeling. I was actually cared about and not treated as though I was just another stop or just a chart. He was super careful while putting in my IV line. I'm allergic to morphine so they watched me super close to make sure I wasn't allergic to Dilaudid. Steve came in about every 15-20 minutes to check on me, to get my vitals, and to see what my pain level was.

It's not even as though I was given preferential treatment! They both treated all of their patients this way. I'm not sure that I've ever been to even just a regular dr office where this happened. I am absolutely blown away by their attitudes and compassion.

It all came at the right time too. Of course. I believe God uses people to help you in every way. I needed physical help...and He put me there at just the right time, and freed up that room so that dr and that nurse would be assigned to me. Don't tell me God doesn't work in mysterious ways. :) He does. I have proof. It's not a coincidence...none of this is. :)

I'm gonna find a way to do a survey of some sort and let the hospital know how Steve C. the nurse and that dr treated me as a patient. They'll never know what an impact they made in my heart at that point in time.