Whew. I sure did have a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I just had this pain. It's kind of hard to explain really...it just hurt. My kidney on the left side was mad at me or something. haha! Christmas was hard enough...and this was just the cherry on top. Deciding to just call my kidney dr on Monday, I just took medicine for pain (which I absolutely despise!).
Monday morning came and I was greeted by a woman from Nephrology's answering service. :/ Not cool. Come to find out, they are closed all week. Ok. So I call Dr Veys' office...closed. :/ Double not cool. The lady at the answering service told me that she wasn't calling Dr Newby, the on-call doc, unless it was an emergency... and hung up. So on top of hurting, now I'm just mad.
The only other option I had was a walk-in clinic. It's hard for me to go to one of those when I have kidney pain or any infection. I simply know more than they do about it, so they end up just sending me to the hospital. So I went to Hamilton Convenient Care. They closed 3 minutes before I got there. That's frustrating. The emergency room was my last option.
As soon as I walk into the door, I saw 2 women throwing up, and at least 25 people. Gross. So I filled out my papers. They called me into triage. My bp was up. Surprise. It's always up. Thank you, kidneys. :) I went back and sat there with the people of sickness...expecting to be waiting for about2 hours because they literally had no rooms available. It took about 15 minutes in the waiting room when I heard my name. :) I felt a little bad because everyone in that waiting room stared at me because I came way after they did, but at the same time, they do take people by the seriousness of their illness. So I didn't mind too much!
My nurse, Steve C., was amazing!!!!! It took maybe 10 minutes for the Dr to come in to start me on some IV fluids and get some pain medicine in me. This was the very first time that the Dr and nurse actually listened to what I was saying and paying attention to how I was feeling. I was actually cared about and not treated as though I was just another stop or just a chart. He was super careful while putting in my IV line. I'm allergic to morphine so they watched me super close to make sure I wasn't allergic to Dilaudid. Steve came in about every 15-20 minutes to check on me, to get my vitals, and to see what my pain level was.
It's not even as though I was given preferential treatment! They both treated all of their patients this way. I'm not sure that I've ever been to even just a regular dr office where this happened. I am absolutely blown away by their attitudes and compassion.
It all came at the right time too. Of course. I believe God uses people to help you in every way. I needed physical help...and He put me there at just the right time, and freed up that room so that dr and that nurse would be assigned to me. Don't tell me God doesn't work in mysterious ways. :) He does. I have proof. It's not a coincidence...none of this is. :)
I'm gonna find a way to do a survey of some sort and let the hospital know how Steve C. the nurse and that dr treated me as a patient. They'll never know what an impact they made in my heart at that point in time.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Roses here don't bloom forever
Well it happened. Mamaw went on to be with Jesus. On Monday, November 21, she moved her arms from behind her head to down on her chest and just passed away. So peaceful. So full of grace. I'm not sure there is a better way to go than that, honestly. Her birthday was on November 24; she would have been 85 years old. But I know that now she doesn't hurt any more. Thanksgiving was hard. Oma, Dora, Michelle and I were planning on surprising her for her birthday that morning. But she never saw it.
You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.
It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!
You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.
It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Refuge...
Refuge: Lauren Owens
In You, Oh God, I put my hope. You're my Rock and my Salvation. You are my strength, a place to rest. that I would not be shaken. that I would not be shaken....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You. You are my Refuge. You are my Refuge.
My soul waits for You alone. In the moments when my fears prevail. You are my Help, my life, my Shield. Your love never fails. Your love never fails.....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You.
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....
You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You.
You're my Hiding Place, I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Torn ^o^
I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.
I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.
So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.
Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.
Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.
I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!
For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!
I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.
So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.
Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.
Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.
I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!
For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!
Psalm 103:1-3
1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My God Reigns! Especially When I'm scared!
Just the word 'surgery' scares me. I went to Dr Richmond, my kidney dr, and had a great check up. He checks everything from head to toe. the only comment he made was that he didn't like how my right kidney felt....
Now, let me explain something. I have Polycycstic Kidney Disease (PKD). My mom had it so I won when it was time for her to pass that along genetically. I was diagnosed when I was 19, while most patients aren't diagnosed until their 30s or 40s. So my case evidently advanced early on. Yay. Normally, this disease only causes cysts to grow and we're more prone to Kidney infections and that eventually cause some bladder, or UTI, infections. So those were something easy to deal with. Your kidneys are also quite enlarged. ( you can read about it here if you'd like) Normal kidneys are somewhere along the lines of 9cm. Mine are17 and 19cm. So they're big. And I have some quite large cysts. Sometimes they burst; I don't feel all the time, but that's where most of my kidney infections come from.
Noting the size of my kidneys, I have an emmense amount of pressure in my back and my sides. (The fact that I've gained weight doesn't help, I'm sure.) In July, Dr Veys, my surgeon, sent me to a radiologist for a cyst aspiration (draining the fluid off a larger cyst) to see if that would relieve the pain. Now, it did, but that is not any sort of permanent thing as the cysts will eventually fill back up, whether it takes days, months, or even a year. It helped for about a month or so, and I was back to taking about 10 hydrocodones a week, which in my opinion is unacceptable.
...so now, here we are.
Dr Veys explained to me the risks of surgery:
*bleeding
*there's a chance that it wouldn't even help
*scar tissure would cause complications in later surgeries.
He also told me that since the aspiration in July didn't help, this more than likely would.
So the plan was to do the surgery to 'deflate' about 3 cysts on my right kidney and cauterize it so that another cyst more than likely won't grow back there. He would do the surgery laproscopically. There would be 4-5 TINY incisions and he would do the whole robotic/camera thing. He would lift my liver and do his thing. The surgery wouldn't last for more than about 3-4 hours, and I'd be in the hospital for about 2 days.
Last night, after church, Dr Veys called me....
He got 2nd and 3rd opinions from his urology coworkers/friends, one from Chattanooga even. After their discussions over the operating room xray viewer thing, they all came to the same conclusion: My case was a hard one and I needed to be cut open in order to get accomplished what they wanted.
What does that mean?
*longer surgery
*a 5inch incision in my abdomen
*longer time in the hospital
*longer time out of work recovering
I was quite overwhelmed honestly. Its almost like things just got serious. And REAL. It means so much to me that my Dr wants to investigate EVERYthing that he's doing. He isn't taking this surgery lightly and I don't think I need to either. I hate it when I'm on this side of the system. I always want to be the one helping, not the one being helped. I want to be the one who cares for you when you have surgery, not the other way around. I know that I get a blessing from being that person, so maybe the people helping and caring for me, and most importantly PRAYING for me....maybe they'll get as big a blessing as I do! :)
I'm a little bit scared still, but only because I don't know the steps involved and what EXACTLY Dr Veys is going to be doing.
But you know what I do know? I serve a mighty God and the Great Healer. Last night, with a tear-covered face, I got down beside my bed and prayed like I've never prayed before. At that moment, on J103, 'Arms that hold the universe' came on.
I mean...are you serious?? I have never felt so incredibly loved in my life. The amount of love God has for us, we will never ever be able to comprehend. I feel a slight fraction and my heart feels like it could explode! I know that there will be nothing but good to come out of this surgery and the future surgeries I have. He is so so good! I'm letting my light shine today! I may be facing a hard thing....but my Jesus died on that Cross for my life. He's getting ALL the glory! Filled with the Holy Spirit, I'll go into that operating room singing loud, He is never letting me go!
Now, let me explain something. I have Polycycstic Kidney Disease (PKD). My mom had it so I won when it was time for her to pass that along genetically. I was diagnosed when I was 19, while most patients aren't diagnosed until their 30s or 40s. So my case evidently advanced early on. Yay. Normally, this disease only causes cysts to grow and we're more prone to Kidney infections and that eventually cause some bladder, or UTI, infections. So those were something easy to deal with. Your kidneys are also quite enlarged. ( you can read about it here if you'd like) Normal kidneys are somewhere along the lines of 9cm. Mine are17 and 19cm. So they're big. And I have some quite large cysts. Sometimes they burst; I don't feel all the time, but that's where most of my kidney infections come from.
Noting the size of my kidneys, I have an emmense amount of pressure in my back and my sides. (The fact that I've gained weight doesn't help, I'm sure.) In July, Dr Veys, my surgeon, sent me to a radiologist for a cyst aspiration (draining the fluid off a larger cyst) to see if that would relieve the pain. Now, it did, but that is not any sort of permanent thing as the cysts will eventually fill back up, whether it takes days, months, or even a year. It helped for about a month or so, and I was back to taking about 10 hydrocodones a week, which in my opinion is unacceptable.
...so now, here we are.
Dr Veys explained to me the risks of surgery:
*bleeding
*there's a chance that it wouldn't even help
*scar tissure would cause complications in later surgeries.
He also told me that since the aspiration in July didn't help, this more than likely would.
So the plan was to do the surgery to 'deflate' about 3 cysts on my right kidney and cauterize it so that another cyst more than likely won't grow back there. He would do the surgery laproscopically. There would be 4-5 TINY incisions and he would do the whole robotic/camera thing. He would lift my liver and do his thing. The surgery wouldn't last for more than about 3-4 hours, and I'd be in the hospital for about 2 days.
Last night, after church, Dr Veys called me....
He got 2nd and 3rd opinions from his urology coworkers/friends, one from Chattanooga even. After their discussions over the operating room xray viewer thing, they all came to the same conclusion: My case was a hard one and I needed to be cut open in order to get accomplished what they wanted.
What does that mean?
*longer surgery
*a 5inch incision in my abdomen
*longer time in the hospital
*longer time out of work recovering
I was quite overwhelmed honestly. Its almost like things just got serious. And REAL. It means so much to me that my Dr wants to investigate EVERYthing that he's doing. He isn't taking this surgery lightly and I don't think I need to either. I hate it when I'm on this side of the system. I always want to be the one helping, not the one being helped. I want to be the one who cares for you when you have surgery, not the other way around. I know that I get a blessing from being that person, so maybe the people helping and caring for me, and most importantly PRAYING for me....maybe they'll get as big a blessing as I do! :)
I'm a little bit scared still, but only because I don't know the steps involved and what EXACTLY Dr Veys is going to be doing.
But you know what I do know? I serve a mighty God and the Great Healer. Last night, with a tear-covered face, I got down beside my bed and prayed like I've never prayed before. At that moment, on J103, 'Arms that hold the universe' came on.
I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know
And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go
I mean...are you serious?? I have never felt so incredibly loved in my life. The amount of love God has for us, we will never ever be able to comprehend. I feel a slight fraction and my heart feels like it could explode! I know that there will be nothing but good to come out of this surgery and the future surgeries I have. He is so so good! I'm letting my light shine today! I may be facing a hard thing....but my Jesus died on that Cross for my life. He's getting ALL the glory! Filled with the Holy Spirit, I'll go into that operating room singing loud, He is never letting me go!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Matthew 5:23-24
so. today. i did something i thought i would never do. in july 2010, an all-out war broke out between an old friend and her family and me. feelings were hurt. things just blew up and turned to ash. i left it all there. ash. i moved on (or so i thought) with my life. got new friends. a new church. an amazing boyfriend. something still stood in the way. the underlying problem was that i didn't do as God commands us to do...
God said no. He burdened me to the point of 'i have no other option'. and that stinks. i know God is ALWAYS right. i know that He always gets His way, too.
so. i did it. i sent an email. not one of accusation. not one of 'my feelings are hurt'. but one of 'please forgive me for leading you in the wrong direction'.
now i sit. now i wait. pride aside, i hope i'm forgiven. for my sake and for her's.
forgiveness...don't underestimate the power of it.
maybe she'll write back. but she might not.
We'll see.... :)
23-Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24-leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.so i prayed. and i prayed hard. rekindling that fire and all those bad feelings people have for you. its not really something i'd like to do. i wanted to just leave it. leave it all there. and never go back.
God said no. He burdened me to the point of 'i have no other option'. and that stinks. i know God is ALWAYS right. i know that He always gets His way, too.
so. i did it. i sent an email. not one of accusation. not one of 'my feelings are hurt'. but one of 'please forgive me for leading you in the wrong direction'.
now i sit. now i wait. pride aside, i hope i'm forgiven. for my sake and for her's.
forgiveness...don't underestimate the power of it.
maybe she'll write back. but she might not.
We'll see.... :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Grrrr...
I have such a heavy heart right now. Sometimes, I Can let things go. But not today.
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