Friend with Benefits

I have always always thought of myself as having a lot of friends. Since I was a little girl, I always found myself surrounded by people! Always! There was definitely a point where my 'friends' meant more to me than my family did...in more ways than one!

a FRIEND is: a confidant, a companion, someone who wants to walk through the valleys with you, a lover, knows all the intimate details of your life,

Marriage is a relationship as a Husband/Wife and a friend; a lover and a friend.

Be friendly toward all, but only be friends with few! You may have a lot of relationships...but few friends!

Your first friend, other than Jesus, HAS to be your spouse!

F ruitful (Gen 1:28)
R eciprocal (you both have to work on your friendship)
I ntimate  (Adam KNEW Eve) (1 Cor 13:12)
E njoyable  (Ecc 9:7-9)
N eeded (Gen 2:18)
D evoted (Romans 12:15, Proverbs 17:17)
S anctified (Proverbs 13:20)

People don't fall out of love. They may fall out of repentance, but they don't fall out of love. That's another way of saying that God's a liar. He tells us we can even love our enemies. Don't follow your heart. Guard your heart. Love comes from God. Love doesn't begin with us; it begins with God. We can still love them with the love God gives us. We have access to the TRUE love. Your spouse is not your enemy, your spouse is your ally!

Friendship doubles the joy and cuts the grief in half!

3 Kinds of relationships: 
Back to back (battle, bitter, not happy, not friends)
Shoulder to shoulder (coworker, business partner, work at life; marriage is a lot of this...but not all of it.)
Face to Face (put down your phone, intimate, date nights, sacred moments; Bible's language of friendship)

Men and woman build their friendships differently:

• Men build their relationships shoulder-shoulder. 
• Women build their relationships face-face. 

The key here is for men to figure out what face-face looks like to their wives and for women to figure out what shoulder-shoulder looks like to their husbands.

3 Levels of Communication:

Facts (most of our conversations)

Opinions (as a relationship moves deeper...)

Feelings (rarely talked about)

Marriages that are face-face; they're enduring and endearing.
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Just had a little thought. People sometimes treat Jesus as the 'go-to guy' when something bad happens, or the 'i'll keep Him in my pocket in case i need Him' Man. If I found someone who values Jesus and who He is as the One True God, and he actually has a sincere relationship with Christ....I would think that would be how he treated his wife..... hmmm. Food for thought. I guess you could say this: A man will value his wife as much as he values Christ, but no more. So that will be how I know. Follow his devotion to God. That's how I will know my husband. :)

My Joy Switch Catch: Suffering

this series matt's doing at rock bridge is amazing. i mean...amazing. and just what i need. all the time. i've learned that the problem is mostly allowing people, anyone, the power of your switch. that's basically what it comes down to. i really have had a lot of 'practice' choosing to control my own joy switch and resting in that joy Christ gives me.... in every day relations, in relationships, at work, even in my own battling mind. Jesus has helped me overcome death way too many times, and helped me find that joy again. it kinda helps a little when your mind is blocked by just how bad things are, i guess. and that's how it has always been for me.

but what happens when i have a constant reminder every day of the suffering and pain and misery and hardships that one of my family members has to endure...every day...and it just gets worse and worse???

my aunt, dora, is wasting away. she has a disease. MSA. its killing her. every day, she dies a little more. some days are worse than others. "what's next?" is always in the front of my mind. 3 years ago, she was normal, taking care of people like a nurse does. she can't put her own clothes on. she cant get out of her chair by herself. its hard for her to eat. her hand-eye coordination is going more and more. her blood pressure stays super low. the ground moves under her feet. she falls. a lot. and hits her head. a lot. she aspirates on her food. its hard to swallow. she takes so much medicine. she has to go to speech therapy...its hard for her to talk. she shakes...like parkinson's. her bladder doesn't want to always work. she can't write. she fractured one of her hands in a fall she took a couple of weeks ago. she can't use her walker.

she turned 58 on january 18. that's not young. but if you knew how full of life my aunt dora was just a few years ago, you'd understand how dramatic it is for all the family.

i know that God is the Healer. i know that, while He may not be healing her physical body, He is preparing her for the rest of her journey. i know God works things out for His Purpose...for our good. i know that there is grace in everything.

but when i see it, in front of my eyes....


its. so. hard.

To Mingle? or Not to Mingle?

I'm a big ball of emotions right now and I just don't understand them. Not even in the least bit. There's anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety. I want to cry, you know, just to let them all out! But I have no tears. Better yet, I wouldn't even know what they were for! Haha! I just got back from seeing my therapist (I love our time together) and it looks like I've got a long road ahead of me in sorting out these emotions.

2011 was a milestone year in more ways than one! I've grown so much as a person, as a Christ follower. I've learned to stand up for myself and for my own well-being in work and church and personal relationships. When I see that something has the potential to not be healthy in any way for me, I develop this caution that I've never had before. When I'm threatened, I don't tuck myself back into my shell anymore. I've loved, I've lost. And I believe I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

It's hard to come off a streak like that! :) With strength comes opposition. Not just from other people, but also from within. I feel like I scare people off; guys, gals, coworkers, youth workers. Pretty much anyone. I'm not sure how everyone sees me, but I'm certain how some do. I'm intimidating. I'm confident. I love Jesus. I have wisdom. I know what I want.

I want a guy who loves Jesus...not only that, but who also follows Him. I want a guy who can bring something to the table; I don't want a relationship where it's all about me and what I like and what I did during the day and how I feel about things. I want him to have a hobby and have a passion about something other than being just like me. That's annoying. I want a guy who has an identity; in Christ and as a person. My therapist today told me that I would make such a great Minister's Wife. :o  What does that mean?? I'm ready to help. I'm ready to strengthen. I'm ready to serve. 

I want a youth group where there aren't cliques. I want the kids to love coming to church and to not be confused about the happenings of every week. I want youth leaders want to lead, and to love!

I want friends who love me as much as I love them. I don't want to be forgotten. I love going out and laughing about "Sanchez's" for hours for no reason. :) I want conversation.

What do I do to get all of these things?? Some of them, I have. And I'm so so so very grateful! God really does bring people together just at the right time for all the right reasons. It meas so much to me that God finds favor in me! And to know just how much He cares for me. Wow. It truly just sweeps me off my feet.

I'm ready to find my match. In every area of my life. So... other than prayer, How do I do it?

Emergency!!!

Whew. I sure did have a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I just had this pain. It's kind of hard to explain really...it just hurt. My kidney on the left side was mad at me or something. haha! Christmas was hard enough...and this was just the cherry on top. Deciding to just call my kidney dr on Monday, I just took medicine for pain (which I absolutely despise!).

Monday morning came and I was greeted by a woman from Nephrology's answering service. :/ Not cool. Come to find out, they are closed all week. Ok. So I call Dr Veys' office...closed. :/ Double not cool. The lady at the answering service told me that she wasn't calling Dr Newby, the on-call doc, unless it was an emergency... and hung up. So on top of hurting, now I'm just mad.

The only other option I had was a walk-in clinic. It's hard for me to go to one of those when I have kidney pain or any infection. I simply know more than they do about it, so they end up just sending me to the hospital. So I went to Hamilton Convenient Care. They closed 3 minutes before I got there. That's frustrating. The emergency room was my last option.

As soon as I walk into the door, I saw 2 women throwing up, and at least 25 people. Gross. So I filled out my papers. They called me into triage. My bp was up. Surprise. It's always up. Thank you, kidneys. :)  I went back and sat there with the people of sickness...expecting to be waiting for about2 hours because they literally had no rooms available. It took about 15 minutes in the waiting room when I heard my name. :) I felt a little bad because everyone in that waiting room stared at me because I came way after they did, but at the same time, they do take people by the seriousness of their illness. So I didn't mind too much!

My nurse, Steve C., was amazing!!!!! It took maybe 10 minutes for the Dr to come in to start me on some IV fluids and get some pain medicine in me. This was the very first time that the Dr and nurse actually listened to what I was saying and paying attention to how I was feeling. I was actually cared about and not treated as though I was just another stop or just a chart. He was super careful while putting in my IV line. I'm allergic to morphine so they watched me super close to make sure I wasn't allergic to Dilaudid. Steve came in about every 15-20 minutes to check on me, to get my vitals, and to see what my pain level was.

It's not even as though I was given preferential treatment! They both treated all of their patients this way. I'm not sure that I've ever been to even just a regular dr office where this happened. I am absolutely blown away by their attitudes and compassion.

It all came at the right time too. Of course. I believe God uses people to help you in every way. I needed physical help...and He put me there at just the right time, and freed up that room so that dr and that nurse would be assigned to me. Don't tell me God doesn't work in mysterious ways. :) He does. I have proof. It's not a coincidence...none of this is. :)

I'm gonna find a way to do a survey of some sort and let the hospital know how Steve C. the nurse and that dr treated me as a patient. They'll never know what an impact they made in my heart at that point in time.

The Roses here don't bloom forever

Well it happened. Mamaw went on to be with Jesus. On Monday, November 21, she moved her arms from behind her head to down on her chest and just passed away. So peaceful. So full of grace. I'm not sure there is a better way to go than that, honestly. Her birthday was on November 24; she would have been 85 years old. But I know that now she doesn't hurt any more. Thanksgiving was hard. Oma, Dora, Michelle and I were planning on surprising her for her birthday that morning. But she never saw it.

You know, for some reason, this past week...with all the stuff going on...I miss my mom soooooo much. Like more than I ever have. I feel like people, including her family, has just forgotten about her. I hurt because other people have just lost their mother. I hurt because I'm afraid that my mamaw will soon just be another memory. And it's hard. It brings so much joy to my heart when I hear someone talk about my mom and how much she meant to them. It makes me happy to hear her name escape someone's lips...as if she's still here with us. Gone too soon. But forgotten early. For myself to be remembered while I'm still on this earth...I know how special it makes me feel. But to know how my mom touched someone else's heart...that is what a legacy is. It's been 12 1/2 years...and for someone to know things about her, to remember how she laughed, or just to know that I act just like her. :) That's a legacy. And my mamaw is the same way. People are going to remember who she is, what she's done, and how she's helped them along their way. And that is what's special about my mamaw.

It's so selfish, though, to wish for all of my family who is gone to be back here with me. The ones who belonged to Christ...they are living it up on those streets of gold, hanging out with Jesus, and singing with the angels! They've moved on! Doing work where there's no suffering, no death, no pain. Whoa. One day, it'll be my turn. And I just CAN'T WAIT! Once my work on this earth is finished, and God is ready to receive me, I'm ready! And just thinking about it...my heart overflows with joy!

Refuge...

Refuge:   Lauren Owens

In You, Oh God, I put my hope. You're my Rock and my Salvation. You are my strength, a place to rest. that I would not be shaken. that I would not be shaken....

For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You. You are my Refuge. You are my Refuge.

My soul waits for You alone. In the moments when my fears prevail. You are my Help, my life, my Shield. Your love never fails. Your love never fails.....

For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace. I trust in You.


We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

We are Your sons and Your daughters, clay in the Hands of the Potter, reaching to the Arms of the Father, reaching to You....

You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....
For You are my Refuge, my Anchor in the storm. You are my Refuge, the Shelter of Your Arms is my Hiding Place. I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You.
You're my Hiding Place, I won't be moved. My Saving Grace, I trust in You....

You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.
You are my Refuge.

Torn ^o^

I think that word accurately describes my heart for the past few days. I feel the good stuff. I feel the bad stuff. And as a result, I just feel down. Conflicted.

I came through my surgery better than we all expected. I don't have any incisions bigger than a quarter! Praise God! There's just something to be said about the mighty hand of God. My doctor wouldn't have called me a week before surgery to tell me that my surgery would be more serious than what he thought if there was a way around cutting me. I'll admit, it took some psyching myself up to get ready after that phone call. A lot of psyching and a lot of understanding that God hasn't let me down yet in these 27 years, and I wasn't gonna start believing that He would now. I have favor. :) and that feels good. I came home from the hospital after a little more than a day! The stay was supposed to be about 3 days! There was another hand in that operating room, and it belonged to my Jesus.

So with all that, I was home with a renewed understanding that God takes care of things the way HE wants to take care of them. But now, all of a sudden, I'm shaken again.

Two of my cousins who are a lot younger than I am, just had two beautiful little baby boys. I want children so bad. I want to know what it feels like to have that kind of love. I am filled to the brim with love as it is, but I'm sure its different with your children. Time after time, I'm reminded that it's just not a wise decision for me to have a baby: My doctors, my family, and life occurances. Brittany's situation, with her bp, and how she's having such a hard pregnancy, leaves me with a grim outlook on my wanting to become a mother. She doesn't even have kidney problems. I don't have much room for things to move around in my body. My kidneys are huge. I already have bp problems and that's not something that will be resolved. So all that leaves me saddened that it's one more thing to add to the list that isn't ok for me to do. Become a mother.

Now I know that there's adoption. But I'm not sure that I'd like to do that really. Just another conflict in my heart.

I also know that MY will is more than likely not the same as HIS. So it very well may be that I'm able, one day, to have children. Satan has a way of taking my wants and desires and turning them into anxiety, depression, and self-pity. I wish he would just leave me alone. I have so very much to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine!

For today, I'm gonna dwell on the fact that Christ is MINE and I am HIS! Get behind me, satan! You're not wanted here! Get out of my head, stay out of my heart!

Psalm 103:1-3

 ¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,