this series matt's doing at rock bridge is amazing. i mean...amazing. and just what i need. all the time. i've learned that the problem is mostly allowing people, anyone, the power of your switch. that's basically what it comes down to. i really have had a lot of 'practice' choosing to control my own joy switch and resting in that joy Christ gives me.... in every day relations, in relationships, at work, even in my own battling mind. Jesus has helped me overcome death way too many times, and helped me find that joy again. it kinda helps a little when your mind is blocked by just how bad things are, i guess. and that's how it has always been for me.
but what happens when i have a constant reminder every day of the suffering and pain and misery and hardships that one of my family members has to endure...every day...and it just gets worse and worse???
my aunt, dora, is wasting away. she has a disease. MSA. its killing her. every day, she dies a little more. some days are worse than others. "what's next?" is always in the front of my mind. 3 years ago, she was normal, taking care of people like a nurse does. she can't put her own clothes on. she cant get out of her chair by herself. its hard for her to eat. her hand-eye coordination is going more and more. her blood pressure stays super low. the ground moves under her feet. she falls. a lot. and hits her head. a lot. she aspirates on her food. its hard to swallow. she takes so much medicine. she has to go to speech therapy...its hard for her to talk. she shakes...like parkinson's. her bladder doesn't want to always work. she can't write. she fractured one of her hands in a fall she took a couple of weeks ago. she can't use her walker.
she turned 58 on january 18. that's not young. but if you knew how full of life my aunt dora was just a few years ago, you'd understand how dramatic it is for all the family.
i know that God is the Healer. i know that, while He may not be healing her physical body, He is preparing her for the rest of her journey. i know God works things out for His Purpose...for our good. i know that there is grace in everything.
but when i see it, in front of my eyes....
its. so. hard.
Maranda - I'm so sorry for your Aunt Dora. I know you love your family very much. Your blogs really show the maturity of someone much older than you. You express yourself so well. Many will be inspired by what you share. You share your deepest feelings and thoughts and I am moved each time I read your blog. You have a God given talent in your writings ...continue to share ...you never know who you will lift up or out of the hands of Satan. Hugs~ Cindy M
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Cindy. I love to write only because it's so hard to get the words out. I love love love that you read them! I love for anyone to! Thank you so very much for caring. You'll never know how much that means!
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