A Loss is A Loss

It's been a sad couple of weeks filled with so many tears and questions. Jake's 10 year old Lab, Sissy, died Wednesday night, March 6. We took her to the vet. She had trouble bleeding. She couldn't use the bathroom. The vet wanted to keep her there overnight to give her fluids and potassium to replenish her hydration. Jake went by as he was on his way home from work Thursday morning to be greeted by the vet's wife, who is also a vet, with the news that Sissy didn't make it.

I've never hurt like that from losing a pet. She was Jake's baby. I've only known her since last May. But she completely captured my heart. Things Jake and his family said over the next couple of days brought on a new kind of heartache.

"If I'd only have known that would be her last day..."
"I really wish I could play frisbee with her one more time..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"I just left her..."
"If I would have known, I would have brought her home and held her..."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."
"I only hope she didn't suffer......"

She was only a pet. She was a dog. A good dog....but still just a dog. It almost felt silly that night when I looked over in the garage and said, "Night, night, Sissy."...only to realize that she wasn't there. Couldn't hear me. So... I cried. I cried hard. I cried long. More tears came than have in a very long time.

I realized that night that, no matter how you look at it, a loss is a loss. Some people aren't close to their grandmother, some don't know their dad. When they're gone from this earth, it doesn't impact those on a personal, daily basis. They don't miss them. You don't miss what you never had...or only had for a short time.

It's been 14 years (half of my life!!) since my parents have been gone. And last week, when I witnessed Jake and his family mourn the loss of their sweet, loving Sissy...my memories, my heart drifted back to that ICU waiting room where my family and I prayed for each other, prayed for my mom, comforted each other, and looked for answers. Those two weeks, from March 11, 1999 to March 25, were a turning point in the direction on my life. I cried. I wrote. I sought guidance.

It's really hard to look back now because I was at such a crossroads. I was 14, trying to actually find 'who I am' like every teenager that age. I just lost my dad. February 23, 1999, he had a heart attack. I'm pretty sure I had essentially 'numbed' myself at that point from any sort of emotional pain. I guess you can only take so much. My sadness has come at different stages since then. I guess that's my way of dealing with that tragedy of my life.

So when my sweet Sissy died so suddenly, seeing and experiencing the grieving, it brought me to 14 years ago. I'm a very independent girl. I don't like needing people. I'll never ask for help. And it takes a canon to knock down my walls. But I miss my mom. I never got to have her as a best friend. I never got to ask her for boy advice. I'll never get to pick out my wedding dress with her.
I'm very blessed, don't get me wrong.

But for now, I just really miss my mom.

"If only I had one more day..."
"Why did she have to go like that?..."
"If only I would have known...."
"How did that happen so suddenly?..."

"I only hope she didn't suffer..."