This is my struggle...PKD

The Struggle

I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. My own family. Me, Jake, and Little One.

Don't get me wrong....it's still a while before we really start thinking about that....like, I don't know....after we get married! Ha! Which isn't next month or anything. :)

For some reason, the want/passion/desire to make a family intensely increased over the past couple of weeks. And I'm just not able to shake it.

With all of that comes some pretty realistic understandings. I have Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). I got it from my mom. (Thanks, mom.) She passed away almost 14 years ago by an aneurysm that burst, which consequently is something that sometimes goes along with this disease. Something else I have to keep a watch on is my blood pressure, which actually has been just steadily rising over the past year or so. I definitely keep regular visits with my kidney doctors.

Pregnancy does some pretty weird things to a gal's body, so I hear. Hormones make every thing change! (Some times for the better!) It could also be detrimental though. Blood pressure changes. My blood pressure is already high...my doctor is wanting to put me on some sort of medicine for that, which could also be harmful for a pregnancy and a baby. For someone with kidney problems, your kidney function could go down, putting you closer to kidney failure. Kidney infections and bladder infections could occur more often. My problem is that my kidneys are HUGE. And I have cysts growing all over them. On my left kidney, there are hundreds of small cysts. On my right one, I have a smaller number of exponentially larger cysts, of which I already had to have a few surgically removed due to the intense pressure they were putting on my liver. The cysts are always growing. It already effects everything, every organ in my body without having a baby in there growing steadily for 9 months.

So what do I do?

My OB/Gyn says that I should absolutely go for it. And he will keep an eye on everything and put me in with a high-risk doctor. My kidney doctor says that if I do want to have a baby, the time is now, before things get worse...and they will get worse...he just doesn't know when.

This disease is very strange. There's no cure...not even a treatment as of right now (other than narcotics for pain) even though there has been research to support the slowing of kidney/cyst growth and volume. But the pain, physical and emotional, is what gets me down.

I've always been the type of girl who takes unfavorable circumstances and turns them into some way to glorify God. Why is this one different? Why can't I just be content with everything God has blessed me with? Why can't I have what I want?

I have always said that I wasn't gonna let some dumb health problem run my life. Wasn't gonna let that be the deciding factor in my dreams, my hopes. Wasn't gonna let a doctor give me a time line of events. I'm gonna do what I wanna do with my future when I get there.....

Now here I am. Jake says that it's 20000% ok with him if I can't give him a baby. So that's not the issue. He loves me. He's here. He's not going anywhere. I'm perfectly content with growing old with him too....just us and our dogs! In his words, "God gave us the gift of each other....Anything else is just pure, undeserved grace...We're lucky to have one another...All I know to do is let Him handle it."

And so...after a morning (I'm sure there will be many more) of tears and prayer, I've decided that I can't control what's going on inside me. No reason to blame anyone. Maybe God wants us to use this to be able to adopt some sweet baby who couldn't be loved by anyone other than Jake and me. Maybe He's got plans for us to minister to a million kids...and not just one. Who knows. :)

You always want what you can't have, right? It almost feels like we'll be missing out on something wonderful that people can't even explain....But I know that God has something for us beyond our wildest dreams...far better than anything we could imagine....

So that's the hope I'm clinging to today.
God's the hope I'm resting in always.



xoxo
maranda

While I waited...God's timing is supreme.

For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it testifies about the end and will not lie. Though it delays, wait for it, since it will certainly come and not be late.   --Habakkuk 2:3

I'm not really sure how to actually start this posting.... I am just so completely overwhelmed these days! Overwhelmed isn't really the right word; I don't actually know how to use words when it comes to how I feel. :)

Almost 2 years ago, I met my best friend. Our churches were gearing up and getting ready for the summer camp we were doing together. (Only at the time, I didn't know how special this guy was.) That year, camp was awesome. Connections were made. Fun was had. It rained the entire week, so a few of us leaders went into the 'cafeteria' building and hung out. Jake played his guitar and we all sang songs. I taught them how to play spoons. He made fun of me when we had our volleyball tournament. Instant connection. Explosive chemistry. A few weeks later, I left my previous church...he invited me to come to his church just to hang out. He was cute so I went a few times. I found my new home.

Jake worked with the youth, and of course, I did too. My heart has always been for those kids. It was pretty amazing. The two of us got paired up to work with the high school boys. I remember thinking that I hit the jackpot! I am in a partnership with an amazingly hot fella who loves Jesus more than anything in the world. He knows more about the bible than I do. He puts things into perspective better than anyone I've ever seen. My spirit was drawn to him in a way that I've never felt before. I got super close to him...and it was just what I needed in my life. I needed proof that there were still guys out there who aren't 'typical', if you know what I mean. He was never a 'player' and he treated all girls with the utmost respect. I'd never seen that until then. And my mind was blown.

The next summer, Jake was in charge of camp. I don't know if I could have been prouder. And I got to be right there through all of it. It was stressful to say the least. He had one large amount of opposition. Grown ups were fighting. Kids were rebelling. It was hard. But I think that it helped knowing that I'm right beside him. Through every part. It was one of those...trials. Things weren't easy. But still I found myself taking care of his heart...when it wasn't even mine to take care of. 

I found myself wishing that maybe God would just push us together in some sort of romantic way. We would spend the majority of our time together outside of work and stuff. Before and after church. He would sometimes come to Rock Bridge with me, even though we both went to New Town. Things and people just kept getting in the way. Girls. Guys. Life. We both ended up not talking to each other for different, petty, retarded reasons. Pride. And hurt feelings. 

Little did we both know that God was doing something absolutely miraculous in both of our lives!!! I had a boyfriend at the time, which didn't end up lasting long. He also had a girlfriend. When I ended things with Derek, I steadied myself and promised God that I was in this for the long haul and He assured me that I was on His path.  We talked about life often. Taught together. Laughed together. Things got hard for me when my aunt Dora got so sick. I wasn't able to be at church as much. Neither of us were being treated well, more him than me, but it was hard even to just go to church. Let alone, be happy while we were there. In January, God shoved me into a new role at my amazing church. And I left Jake.

While we weren't close anymore, I studied and studied about marriage. I had never had the desire to be married, until I really realized what God's plan was for husband and wife. Mark Driscoll's "Real Marriage" and Andy Stanley's "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" started it all. I completely surrendered myself to God...I needed Him to form me, mold me into what He wants from me as a wife. He took people out of my life. He gave me focus. He revealed hard sin that I brushed under the rug. He broke me. And He made me new. I'm not even close to the same girl I was even a year ago. 

Things fell together, and quickly. At church, Matt just finished up "WedLocked". I remember after the first message, I left pretty ticked off. "However you see marriage is how you'll do it." He talked about how 'you + me' marriages don't work...and how marriage is different with Christ in it. He talked about complete sacrifice. Women submit sacrificially, men love sacrificially. I left church that night knowing that I would never get married. I've never known a man in my life to do that. There's no way that's ever gonna happen. And since I took my purity vow on Dec 28 2010, I knew that I would never have another relationship without God in it. So I thought about joining the convent and just becoming Mother Theresa. :) 

Little did I know what the next week held! Jake came and sat right beside me. Matt spoke about you never really meet the 'right' person. You never find the 'one' but you become 'one'. That night I knew something had changed. Jake had started coming to our small group. His intentions were clearly to be close. After that Thursday night, we admitted to each other what was inevitable. The way he felt about me, the things I love about him. There's no way I'm ever letting him go. And that was a few weeks ago. I have never trusted, loved, cared for anyone the way that I do for Jake. The more we discover...the more we confess...the more we laugh...the more time we spend together..... I've never felt God work this way in my life. Not since I got saved. And that's a big deal. 

It feels good to do things right. God prepared me in this season of 'WAIT' for the rest of our lives. Waiting is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was lonely. Discouraged. Mad. I went through some extremely hard times. Battles. But we're refined by the fire! 

I know that the future Jake and I will share together won't be easy all the time. I'm ready. I'm ready to be his wife. I'm ready to start a new life with him. 

I sure am glad I let God do what He wanted for me this whole time. I'm positive that I would have messed things up if either of us pursued the other before the 'time' was right. I mess things up when I play god and make my own plans for my life because that's what I wanted at the time. 

For I know the plans I have for you...plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  --Jeremiah 29:11

Dirty, Consuming Sin

Bondage. Captive. Consuming. Attitude. 

Derailed. Empty. Disappointment. Stalled. 

Poison. Broken. Separation. Distracted. Crushed. 

Spoiled. Wasted. Wrecked. Wounded.

 Ruined. Doubt. Pain. Regret. Chaos. 

Death. 

Sin isn't pretty. Never has been. I get caught up in the 'pleasure' or 'fun' of it...without thinking about what sin actually is...and what it does...and what it means.

Last night, I got a big dose of reality. Identity Theft Pt3: Sin. Matt brought up a lot of things that I've never thought about. We try to 'control & manage' our sin.  Thinking that way seems to be a never-ending cycle. I think, Surely with God I can 'handle' this...my own temptations aren't that bad. With that mentality, it's up to us as fleshly, sinful humans to put our own sin to death and not ever be tempted to revisit that again. Not happenin'. 

Matt gave 3 points:

1. Sin is pleasurable and desirable so we make it excusable.

guilty. i think this is probably true for everyone, but it's especially true for me. my thought process seems to be messed up more than i care to admit. everyone else does it. what's the harm? there is quite a steep price....

2. Sin is enslaving and defeating so we make it identifying.

well i did it...might as well keep going. it's like a lie that keeps spinning out of control until you're unsure of how truthful any of it ever was. that's who we become. our sin. talk about a punch in the face. 

3. Sin is more about who we are than how we behave.

when matt said this, my heart stopped beating i think. he said that we change the definition of 'sin' to 'MISTAKE'. sure we make mistakes. sure we're gonna slip up. but there still isn't justification in committing a sin. No matter how big or small. Just isn't right.

"Sin steals our identity of who God created us to be."
 Did you get that? God created us to be someone without sin. Instead, we're full of it. Full of hate. Full of lust. Full of envy. Full of self-righteousness. Full of sin. 
But we have a promise in Romans 6: WE MAY HAVE BEEN BORN INTO SIN IN THIS HIDEOUSLY BROKEN WORLD WITH INSANELY BROKEN PEOPLE... BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY!!!


Don't use God's grace to justify yourself to keep sinning, use His grace as power to STOP sinning!
Grace is costly, has violent power, and is completely transforming...It will never lead me to continue doing the very thing it rescued me from. What amazing grace!!!!!! 


I have to stop trying to 'control & manage' my sin....I have to 'KILL & CONQUER' it! And Jesus does that through His grace! 
My sin put Jesus on the cross. That little lie I told...stealing...my bad attitude... Jesus DIED for that. He is the Assassin of Sin! The Conqueror! He gave us the 'vaccine'. 


So I was left with one question: How am I going to allow Jesus to take control and kill & conquer the sin in my life? I can't hold on to it anymore. When Matt put it into perspective that I killed Jesus.... 
Wow... 


So in response to the words on top...I don't want to feel that. Any of it. I don't want my friends to feel it. I'm praying hard for those chains to break! It's already been done! It's already Paid In Full! Accept it! I'm praying for my friends to be released of the bondage that sin holds. I'm praying that their relationship with Christ grows and grows and grows. I want them to be completely filled with the power God gave us to overcome the persuasions and pleasures and acceptance sin offers. I don't want any of that. Label me an outcast....I Love Jesus. And it hurts me so much to know that I've hurt Him. 

He Weeps

I was doing my devotion today that we got last week at Link. (I know, I should have done it last week, but I was entirely too lazy.) Anyhow...this girl, Sarah Anderson, sure did write something that relates so strongly to me right now. She talks about how, in the Gospels, Jesus encountered incredibly broken people and He healed them--crippled men, blind girls, deaf boys, and bleeding women. Then she makes a good point: What happened to those people after they we healed? We see how they were healed powerfully; what once seemed like a permanent brokenness was reversed; their story takes a turn and things look up. But what happens 20 years down the road?? When they die? Sarah says that, for her, it's like she's living the second half of these people's lives. Not many miracles, terminal cancer is thriving. The second part of their stories shows a lot of things still need restoring-or need restoring again after having been fixed once but not staying that way for good. Kinda like when we were saved. We once felt like our lives had changed forever-but after a while the broken pieces still feel so broken. Jesus showed up at one point- but in the second half of the story, it is hard to imagine He was ever there at all. Sarah goes into the Lazarus story. Jesus goes to the tomb where Lazarus had been dead for 4 days. So He goes to the sisters, Mary and Martha, who are crying, and Jesus weeps. He cries. He knows what He's about to do--He is the Son of God, the Savior of the world with the power to heal and restore, to fix and redeem. And He weeps. Could it be that Jesus cries because He knew the second half of Lazarus' story? He knew that while He could heal bodies and fix hurts and restore pain today, there would come a day when bodies would break down, the hurts would return and the pain would be overwhelming. Maybe Jesus wept because of the second half of the story-because He knew that today would only accomplish so much. Tomorrow the brokenness of the world would be obvious again. But that didn't stop him. He was saddened but He healed in spite of a broken world. He redeemed in spite of a broken world. He fixed in spite of a broken world. Which means that the second half of my story doesn't have the final word. It doesn't make what happens in the first half, in the part where I give my life to Jesus, where Jesus does do a miracle, not count.
As broken as out world may be, as far from restoration and healing appear to be, if we look closely we will see glimpses of the same God who went about His work on the pages of the Gospels. Any glimpse of beauty, no matter how temporary, is a glimpse of a world to come. Any respite from hurt, no matter how temporary, is a glimpse of a world to come. And any picture of any kind that speaks of perfection and goodness, wholeness and healing is evidence of a Savior who has been here before and will return again. And the good news is that His return will last forever.

How does it make me feel that I know I'm so incredibly loved by the Savior who came down to this incredibly broken world just so that I would know how much I mean to Him?? I am left in awe...completely longing for that day....and try my hardest to not get caught up in the issues of the world. There's nothing but empty promises. But with Jesus, there's hope! He can comfort the mourning. He can raise dead men to life. He has the pwer to conquer every disease and dysfunction. And while we may get a picture of that now, a brief insight into how the world is supposed to be, we can be certain that there will be a day when Jesus no longer weeps outside the tomb of His friend. When death is no more, when sickness is healed forever. Until then, keep your eyes open for glimpses of hope. Because that is where Jesus lives until we see Him again.

Judgement? Or just On-The-Lookout?

God says that we should love our enemies.(Luke 6:35)
He also says that we shouldn't even so much as eat with the wrong-doers. (1 Cor. 5:11)
I know there has to be a balance....

So I'm stuck. At this point in my life, do I need to just weed out the 'bad' people and concentrate on letting people build me up? I don't really think I should 'shun' the people who need to be built up themselves. While I do realize that a person can't change based solely on my influence...they need to want to change and need to have God pushing them to do so. I know this.

On the other hand, I don't think that's what God wants of us.
Luke 15:7 says "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
So doesn't that mean we should go after that ONE? Or am I just reading this wrong...?

This leads me to the word Perception. It's all about how other people view things, situations, people. The world sees things completely out of context from what they really. Who knows what my own intentions are when it comes to the reasons why I do something or why I go somewhere besides me and God? Perception is rarely reality.

Its so much easier to look at a picture or a painting and see a flaw in a corner of it than it is to see the beauty of the whole thing.

That one lost sheep is what I'm after.......For the simple reason of Jesus. Salvation. Peace. Love. Grace.

.......But that doesn't mean I'm gonna marry that sheep.


That's when your perception turns into judgement.
And that is just not okay.

So for the remainder of my life, That's exactly what I'll do. People will be comfortable with me and with my church. I will not judge them. They are one lost sheep that God wants us to guide Home. That's what it's all about. I will not be selfish. I will not worry. God guides my steps....I do everything incredibly prayerfully. If there's ONE Man I can count on to not lead me astray....its Christ. And that's who I'm following.



 Acts 15:19 "My judgement, therefore, is against inflicting unexpected annoyance on those of the Gentiles who are turning to God.

The Wife who Respects

I just have to tell you what my heart feels right now. I've never, and by 'never' i mean I've never had the childhood dream of looking like Cinderella walking down that aisle or never wanted to grow up and have a home with children running around like monkeys....anyhow, I've never wanted to be a wife. Never. It was just me. Me. I used to contribute that feeling to my home-life growing up. My parents were never married. Had two, might I say Beautiful children. :) They fought. My dad hit my mom. My mom fought back. Eventually my dad was sent off to jail for a little while, and my parents (they were together for so long that they had a common-law marriage) eventually got divorced. Then it was me, my sister, and my mom. That was life. And it worked. For a while.

I've gone into this "Real Marriage" series that Mars Hill Church is doing. My mind is officially BLOWN! I'm just going to put away all of my preconceived notion that marriage just doesn't work. It can! In Part4: The Respectful Wife, I am completely longing to be a wife! Encourager! I think the closer I get to God, the more I realize exactly what I've been perfectly created in His likeness. Whatever I am, He made me HIS masterpiece! Whoa! I want a husband. I want to love and respect and encourage and help and nurture and pray for and play with and walk with and and have and spend my life with a husband. A Godly husband. A husband who fears God. A husband who leads. A husband who studies his bible. A husband who wants the best for me.

There. I said it. I want a husband. God has completely changed my views of what my life will be like. Completely...inside out! And I'm so very grateful. I'm following. I'm serving. I'm growing.

I'm ready.

When Sadness Morphs....

I'm there. I'm stuck. I'm so sad. 'Sad' is one emotion that I wouldn't characterize myself as. I'm never sad. Truth is, I'm always sad. I just morph it into what emotions are necessary for any situation. My heart is so heavy with anger. I feel like it's misdirected to almost anyone. I don't cry when I'm sad. I cry when I don't know what to do with my emotional self. My recent sadness comes from my aunt passing away in the most dramatic way I have ever witnessed...and I really hope I never see anything like it again. But my anger also comes from that situation. I'm not angry at God...I'm angry because of the month or two or three that led up to her death. She's good. I'm not sad about that. I'm sad and angry about the way people treated her. I have an amazing model of unfailing, undying, compassionate, with-you-till-the-end kind of love. I guess not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have that though.

I'm sad. So I yell. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious. I'm hurt. I'm overwhelmed.

I've been through things...a lot of things...that I have never allowed myself to feel sad about. I have always made an excuse. Sadness has always been a 'weak' emotion. So I cover it with a 'strong' emotion...and get mad. But I'm just sad. I want my mom here to talk to me. I want to go fishing with my dad again. I want to hear my Papaw sit on the front porch and pick that banjo. I want more life lessons from Buddy. I want my Mamaw to teach me to quilt. I want my ex boyfriend to be my friend. I want my old friends to understand why I made some decisions I had to make. I want to cut Dora's hair again...and do her nails. I want my sister to be my best friend. I want to trust again. I want so much. And for all of that....sadness erupts in my soul.

I want Jesus to hold my heart. And let me feel His heartbeat.